What I’ve Learned About Relationships

Disclaimer: if you have a short attention span, and/or don’t care enough to read the entire way through, then don’t bother.

I know what you’re thinking; “Jason, what do you know about relationships? You don’t even have a significant other. How naive. What insight could you possibly have?” Well, you have the right to think that. By no means do I have it all together, or present myself as a love-guru. Yes, every relationship is different with its own chemistry and whatnot. However, these are merely mistakes made by, and lessons learned from, a normal dude. A kind of normal dude, at least. All of the points listed here, and the events entailed, happened in chronological order. Names and other details have been withheld. Spoiler alert: I’m still single, so obviously all of these occurrences have proved unfruitful. Although it might get messy, I still think my stories are worth telling. If anyone’s willing to listen.

1. Honesty is still the best policy.

A couple years ago, I was encouraged by an old friend of mine to ask a mutual friend of ours out to lunch. I didn’t know them super well and I wasn’t interested in going any further. Initially, I thought I’d at least oblige my friend and ask them anyways. We went out a few times, and they went surprisingly well. A lot more good hangs were had that summer, but there was never any talk beyond friendship. It wasn’t until she had to return to college out-of-state that we hit a crossroads. Do I tell her how I feel? Does she feel the same about me? The stirring inside, the nervousness, the awkwardness. On they day she left, we said bye like we always did, and that was it.

I was an idiot. I should have been up front and explained my feelings/intentions; but I whimped out. Part of me thought since she didn’t say anything of the sort, she wasn’t interested. So, I convinced myself that nothing was going to happen and forced myself to move on. We still talked, but nothing ever progressed into a relationship. After the fact, I found out that a different girl was interested me and she asked if I had any shows coming up. I was baffled that she was into me. We were never close friends, so I did not see it coming. I had a show set for September, so I invited her to join me. Around the same time, the girl from earlier told me she was also coming to the show. Stupid me thought nothing of it, because in my mind, we were still just friends. Then the show came along… and that’s when it hit the fan.

This girl accompanied me to the show. From the car ride up to the show itself, things were going well. Too well. Never had a girl expressed interest in me so openly. It was all so new and encompassing. I was hypnotized, rather blinded, by this girl. Then, the girl from earlier came, and saw me with someone else. I can’t imagine the hurt she felt talking to me, trying to act normal while her insides were being torn apart. Stupid me still thought it was no big deal since we were just friends, and since I was so blinded by this other girl, I had no clue what I had just done. Here she was, coming all the way to see me again, only to have her hopes crushed in an instant.

She told me everything the next day. How she really felt about me and how hard it was to see me with someone else. I didn’t know what to say. Remember that at this point, I was still convinced she was not interested, and I was also too “puppy-eyed” over this other girl to realize what was happening. I told her that I was sorry, but I was seeing the other girl now and thought we should just stay friends. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Literally the biggest dick-move I’ve ever done. I’ve been “friend-zoned” more times than I care to mention, but here I had gone and done it to someone else. She ended up hating me (rightfully so), and my “relationship” with the other girl (which I’ll get to in my next point) ended up doing more harm than good.

Sidenote: the term “friend-zone” here is used in the sense of deterring someone who has those feelings for you because you don’t see them in that way, or you’d honestly just rather remain plutonic friends. I am definitely against the ideology that if you’re nice enough to someone for long enough, they’re obligated to sleep with you. That is just plain ridiculous.

Honesty is key. You don’t need to be a Christian to be honest; you just need to be a decent human being. If I would have been honest with her before she left for college, who knows what would have happened? It wasn’t until this other girl eventually dumped me that I realized how much of a jerk I had been. I took a bold step and apologized, admitted I was wrong, and basically begged for her forgiveness. I wasn’t looking to go back to the way things were, and neither was she. We made amends and went on with our lives.

I’m uncertain about whether or not things would have worked out between us. However, this still serves as a painful reminder to show honesty above all else. In it’s absence, there is only hurt.

2. Keep yourself pure.

Back to the other girl. The one I followed blindly into certain doom. We didn’t know each other super well outside of mutual friends. It was almost out of the blue that she revealed her interest in me. Of course, she tells me this the summer before she starts college. I will admit, I was interested in her. She seemed to be a nice, attractive, Christian girl. I’d be a fool to not seize the opportunity to take her out, right?

On our way home from the afore mentioned show, I dropped her off at her house. Before I knew it — BAM — she kissed me. My first kiss. I was dumbfounded, to say the least. From then on, it was bliss (or so I thought). Holding hands, cuddling, driving up to visit her on campus, spending my off days helping her with homework, going to church together. Not gonna lie, I thought I had “made it.” Everything seemed just right. It had only been a little under three months, but I felt convinced that this could be “the one.” Oh dear, how wrong I was.

We were giddy everywhere we went, and we didn’t want things to stop or slow down. Coincidentally, the more time we spent together, the more things… progressed. Spoiler alert: I’m still a virgin. Nothing. Happened. Basically, while still keeping it PG, all we did when we were together was kiss, and she was always the one instigating it. Of course, this was all so new to me that I stupidly went along with it. Until one night, I put and end to it. I had to tell her that we couldn’t keep acting this way if we wanted the “relationship” to work out. I had standards, and staying pure was one of them. She agreed, but still felt hurt. Which made me feel bad for hurting her. After talking through it for a long while, I drove her home. Little did I know that the next time I saw her would be the last.

When I drove her home that night, we agreed to pray about things and get back to each other. Being totally honest, I really did think think we could still work things out. We could stay a godly couple and work together at keeping ourselves pure before Jesus. We could forge ahead into a more healthy relationship. However, when I tried praying about it, I heard/felt nothing. Nothing at all. So, when we met for coffee the next/last time, I just let her decide. She told me it would be better if we broke up. Her reasons being since she was going to school full-time, and with the “long distance” (not even an hour drive), she didn’t have enough time to commit to a relationship. Flabbergasted, I wished her well, and went on my way. I didn’t cry. I just cussed out Jesus the entire drive home. Why didn’t He tell me? All the times I cried out for answers, He remained silent. What a waste of time, I thought to myself. Perhaps in His silence was the answer, and I just wasn’t listening. Who knows. Here I thought things were going so well, but I had to hold onto my morals and ruin everything. What a drag.

Although, as life went on, I started to put the pieces together and realized that it would have been an absolute disaster if we had stayed together. The only thing that would have kept us together was the “physical” aspect, and it wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyways. Having standards saved me. I stayed true and came out the other side. Also, it should be noted that less than a month after she ended things with me, she started dating another guy who lived in a different state (which also did not work out for either of them). So much for not being able to do “long distance,” right? Painfully ironic.

Although I was very hurt by the breakup, had I compromised and chose to stay in that relationship, things would have ended up much worse. For both of us. The point here isn’t necessarily about how bad the relationship was. Rather, it’s about holding fast to your morals and standards. Think of it like a tug-of-war between your flesh (human desires and sinful nature) and your sanctification (a big word for some of you, I know, but stick with me), where the flag at the middle of the rope is your conscience. Your flesh tries its hardest to get your conscience to cross the line. The more you let it win, your sanctification weakens, and it just gets easier and easier to cross that line. To the point where there’s no line anymore.

Sanctification means to be “set apart;” having certain morals and standards will set you apart from others. As believers, we’re called to be pure as Christ was pure. In our words, our thoughts, and our actions. Strive to be like Him in these ways. Holding fast to sanctification will save you more times than you’ll ever know. Don’t compromise your conscience, or you won’t have one left.

3. Learn how to forgive.

I know it’s been a long read so far, but this is my last point, so grab a straw and suck it up. I first met this last girl a few years ago. We had just returned from a national youth conference with my home church (she was from a different church and came with some friends from youth group). I was busy that entire conference playing drums for the worship team and acting as a chaperone to keep all the crazy kids in check. We maybe had one conversation, but apart from that, there was nothing else. I didn’t even remember her name. Until a few weeks later, when she messaged me on Facebook. I think you already know where this is going.

We started talking about random things, and after one thing led to another, she asked me out to dessert before she left for college (there seemed to be a pattern where I fell for college girls just before the fall semester… but I digress). We hit it off, and I asked to see her again after she moved to campus. Dinner, walks in the park, double-dates with close friends. Things were going surprisingly well. I should also mention that this all happened before the story I told in the first point. So, up until this time, I very rarely spent any length of time alone with a girl. And I’m still just as awkward to this day.

We briefly talked about taking things to a more serious level, but decided to take it slow as friends first and see what happened. Which was great. A couple months go by, more dates here and there. After multiple attempts at trying to schedule another date, I get a message from her. The “friend-zone” message. Some of you have been there, and it’s almost never an easy thing to process. I took it hard, but didn’t hold it against her since we agreed to start as friends to see if things could progress. We stayed in touch over Facebook, and it was fine. I thought anything beyond a friendship with her was just not in the cards, and I was fine with that. Since we messaged each other quite often, we were continually talking. Not just, “How’ve you been” or “What’s up” conversations. Deeper conversations, about life, faith, friendships, our dreams, etc. I think we felt it was ok to share these things with each other since there were no romantic intentions left between us. It was purely a plutonic friendship. This went on for a while, throughout all of the previous times mentioned earlier in this entry, until she came back to town for winter break and I invited her to a New Year’s Eve party.

She was leaving the country for six months at the beginning of January, so I thought it’d be nice to see her before she left. It was the first time I had seen her in a long time, and we picked up right where we left off. Great conversations and great company. I know we just agreed to stay friends, but I went out on a limb and asked her to coffee before her trip. Again, I was met with the same speech. How it was a “nice gesture,” and how she didn’t mean to give me any ideas about getting together, and how we should still just be friends. Denied. Not once, but twice. I felt like a moron. I apologized and promised her that I’d never bring it up again. She understood, and amazingly enough, we stayed friends. Of course, my feelings towards her remained the same. I couldn’t shake it. I figured maybe it wasn’t the right time and I had to wait until she was ready. So I put it out of my mind and waited to see what time would bring.

Flash forward to Easter that year. We had still been in touch throughout her trip, even with the seven-hour time difference. After our Good Friday service, we started talking like we always did. Then, out of the blue, she lays it on me. “I have a confession to make…” Oh dear. Panic mode. The few seconds it took her to type the next message felt like hours on my end, waiting in such anguishing anticipation. She said it. She admitted she still had feelings for me and wanted to know if I’d consider dating when she returned home. No joke, I threw my phone across my bedroom, and did a happy dance like a little kid. Once I got that out of my system, I messaged back. We agreed to pray about it for the next month until she returned, and then we’d go out and discuss everything. Boom. This was it. Things finally lined up. I had been waiting so long. “God’s timing,” right?

We went from talking often to talking every day. For the next month, day and night, we almost never stopped. I prayed every single day for her. I thought I had heard from God this time. Dreams of our future together, everything lining up so perfectly. She never left my mind. Conversations and emotions ran deeper and deeper. By the end of it, we were so incredibly excited to see each other. Then, the day came. She returned to the US two weeks before graduation. Our date was set. I had the perfect “welcome-home/I-love-you” gift (which shall remain unknown). I had never looked forward to something so much; but suddenly, my hope was deterred yet again. She had to cancel because of family plans and told me how sorry she was, but she invited me to her graduation ceremony. There was still hope.

I showed up at some church I had never been to, surrounded by people I did not know. Very few times have I felt as uncomfortable as that day, but thinking of seeing her again melted away all of that. The ceremony was amazing, but the reception was hell. It had turned into a game of “Where’s Waldo?” Except that half the crowd was wearing the exact same black gown; hundreds of them, and only one of me. After what seemed like forever, I finally found her. Met with a big hug and smile, but only for a moment until she was pulled away again by friends and family for pictures and whatnot. I told her it was fine and I’d catch her again before I left. Which never happened, because she left before I could find her again. I felt… cheated. Thoughts of doubt and uncertainty started rolling in. It was not how I had pictured it happening. After returning home, I tried numerous times to reach her. Unfruitful. More doubt and uncertainty being fueled throughout the day. Hours later, she finally responded. That initial burst of joy you get when you see a message from someone you care about; it’s such a good feeling. Until you read the message…

“I appreciate our friendship, but I don’t know if it can be anything more. I have to figure out my life, and it doesn’t’ look like a committed relationship is anytime soon for me. Please forgive me for jumping the gun and not praying about it more before having that conversation with you. It would have been wiser to do so.”

So far, there have been only two instances where I have felt such levels of grief and sadness; the day my mother passed away, and after reading that message. A message. That should be another point in itself; some things are best left said, not texted. This kills me to this day. Would it have been so hard to act like a mature adult and talk with me in person? Especially given the topic of discussion (i.e. feelings, emotions, etc.), you’d think a face-to-face conversation would be best for things like that, right? There’s closure in human interaction. Texting only leaves our thoughts and ideas open-ended and unresolved. That’s no way to end a friendship, let alone a “relationship.”

As crushed as I was, I did sort of see it coming. After she came back to the states and cancelled our first date back, things felt different. Our conversations were nothing more of a formality at that point. I sensed that her feelings were dwindling, and the uncertainty was eating me alive. That message just sealed the deal. There was talk of whether or not I wanted to stay “friends” at that point… I had to tell her there was no way. I let her know how upset I was (as dignified and civilly as I could), and it would be a long time before we could even talk again. I told her the “gift” I made for her, and then immediately discarded it. I felt it would do her good to know what it was, even if it was no longer relevant. We left it at that, and we haven’t seen or talked since. She also started dating someone else a couple moths later. So I guess she was ready for a “committed relationship” sooner than she expected. But hey, that’s none of my business.

In the end, who knows why we do these things to each other. Lack of understanding, acting prematurely, human error, call it what you want. It took me a very, very long time to forgive her. Long, embarrassing, emotional talks with some of my best friends. Even longer prayers. Emotionally, I had hit bottom. I will say that with much help, from my friends and my Savior, I have found it in my heart to let it go; but the road that took me there was very exhausting and beyond difficult. Although I’m still in the finishing processes, there is a sense of release and relief in being able to move past hard times. It’s not about what difficult situations come our way; rather, it’s how we deal with them that defines us.

Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. You’re only hurting yourself. Unforgiveness keeps us in the past, while forgiveness lets us move forward. There were times when just the thought of this girl stirred up such an anger inside of me. Bitterness had taken root in my heart. Underneath every harsh or cruel thought, the roots grew deeper and deeper. There comes a point when the only way to eradicate them is to cut them loose from your mind by actively changing your thinking. Not only abstaining from negative thoughts, but replacing them with grace, compassion, and love; all these being the very essence of forgiveness.