When Dreams Change
Accepting unforeseen changes on your journey through life.
What happens when you waited 12 years to make something come true and then once it becomes your reality, you’re not happy? Do you try to be happy? Do you force yourself to try and live out that dream you once had or do you realize you’re not the same person anymore? Do you let time pass hoping that you will adjust and get comfortable, or do you listen to your feelings?
I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy in New York City. It’s been my dream since I’m 10 years old but I’m not the same person as I used to be. When I was in college and spent the summers living in the city as a happy go-lucky intern it was amazing! I always thought after moving here it would be just like that but with no expiration date to when I would have to return back to reality. Now this is my reality, I’m here and I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. I want to feel like I did last summer but I can’t. Time has passed, experiences have happened and everything has changed.
Has it changed for the worse or the better? Did I really want a big city life or did I just like the idea of it? Did I really want to work in fashion or did I just admire the people who were in that industry?
Life is so different after almost losing my life to sepsis.
New York City is a hard place to live, especially when you have a compromised immune system. It seems I get sick every other week now. Also, this cold weather definitely doesn’t help someone with Raynaud’s disease. I’ve been stuck in my apartment for the past 3 weeks fearing the dreadful cold as anytime I step outside all blood circulation stops at my hands and feet causing me serious pain.
Are these the main reasons I really want to leave NYC though? I think it’s way more than that. I think after seeing my life flash before my eyes I realize how I want to acutally live my life. I want to explore, travel, surround myself in nature and be able to breathe. I miss feeling grounded, I miss my family and my support system, but most of all, I miss my happiness.
So, what do I do? If I really want to live here, I can make it work. I would figure out how to be healthy and happy in the city, but after living here for 9 months and still feeling this way I am questioning if I actually don’t want this lifestyle. I don’t know if I want this to be my home. I love New York as a vacation, a place to work and attend awesome events, but should I ever call it home, will it ever feel like home?
If I move back to Florida am I giving up? Am I giving in to my sickness, my lack of strength and my inability to survive in this city? Am I weak or am I just a changed person?
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
