Why I Stopped Writing Jokes But Not On Purpose

After the election, I couldn’t write one joke. I had no humorous thoughts at all. Zero. Zilch. Nada. For a comedian, this is not good news. It was as if the Funny Fairy bopped me on the head and said Why are you trying to self-soothe with laughter instead of with alcohol, like normal people?

The election was on a Tuesday and my first humorous thought came the following Saturday when I read an article about dog breeds no longer popular. I came upon the unlucky Finnish Spitz. The poor bastard sheds too much and it probably doesn’t help that one of its nicknames is Barking Bird Dog. However, they’re good at tracking and herding so maybe it can locate your misplaced eyeglasses while it guides your children into the kitchen and over to the dishwasher.

So I wrote this joke:

The Finnish Spitz is a dog but sounds more like a cocktail made of Aquavit and Olympic Pool Water.

Then I discovered that Aquavit is Scandinavian and Finland is not part of Scandinavia, not even for this joke. And that young people, who know nothing if it’s not on Snapchat, don’t remember Mark Spitz, who in 1972 set the world record in swimming by winning seven gold medals at the Olympics. In 1972, the average monthly rent was $165 and gas cost 55 cents a gallon. It was also the year of Watergate and now I’m back where I started, at a crooked man who we elected President.

And now I’ve explained the joke, which is actually worse than not being able to think of a joke. If anyone wants me, I’ll be out on a ledge sticking pins into an Electoral College doll.