Why I was checking Facebook too much and how I stopped

I saw a dad swinging his baby in a baby swing at the park. The baby chuckled and looked engagingly at her dad but he missed returning her happy look because he was looking at his phone.

Self esteem comes from internalizing parental attention. The baby who repeatedly gets the shaft in comparison to the cell phone internalizes shame and inadequacy instead of a sense of self worth.

What kind of impact will our technology addiction have on our children? I have kids myself and I do feel sadness and regret that I have not always been as present with them as I would have liked to have been.

I worked in advertising and all the big brands that I worked on were addictive substances. Soft drinks, fast food, technology, tobacco to name a few. If you watch the documentary “Hungry for Change” you can see how the food industry adds addictive substances to almost everything we eat because this keeps us buying more even though it makes us unhealthier.

As a society we are highly vulnerable to being manipulated by addictive products.

What makes us vulnerable and why are some people easier targets than others?

I don’t have what most people think of as addiction but in therapy I realized that I use a great many mechanisms to distract myself from my emotions. These included chronic work/busyness, daydreaming, technology, taking care of other people etc.

Most of us know what emotional eating is but eating isn’t the only thing our emotions leave us vulnerable to.

Stuffed feelings are a marketers dream because these make us prone to unconsciously seek all kinds of things outside of ourselves to feel okay. We check social media, or eat some french fries and it helps distract us and provides us with some pleasure. However, this takes us down the slippery slope to becoming dependent on an external substance to regulate our emotions and also for validation.

Overworking and over exercising are examples of addictions that are viewed positively while social media/technology addiction, serial dating and addictive relationships are regarded as ‘less serious’ than substance abuse.

All addictions result in profound loss regardless of how much society approves of them.

The nitty gritty of what goes on in our brain and bodies

I know people who say quitting addiction is about will power because they simply quit smoking cold turkey for example but this isn’t recovery. Its what is commonly referred to as “white knuckling”. Most people quit one dependency just to pick up another.

Someone who stops smoking and becomes obsessed with Tinder instead doesn’t necessarily become any healthier. Yes smoking has harmful health affects but becoming hooked on validation from a dating app can have a detrimental affects too, such as long term loneliness.

So what happens inside your brain and your body that makes you vulnerable to addictive products?

Under normal conditions when a person gets scared the sympathetic nervous system automatically increases their heart rate and then when the threat recedes the parasympathetic nervous system calms their body down.

In people who have had to deal with an overwhelming or chronic threat at some time in their lives the calming affect doesn’t always kick in and the body stays on alert longer than it needs to and sometimes it goes into alert for no reason at all. This is what is commonly referred to as anxiety.

Also, when the same type of threat comes up again then the body doesn’t go into alert as it should. For example, a woman who experienced domestic abuse as a child will disassociate instead of getting angry in her adult relationship therefore allowing the abuse to happen instead of stopping it in the moment.

If your body is too alert when it shouldn’t be and also not alert enough when it should be then you are going to be an easier target for addictive products and processes because you’ll unconsciously reach for something to soothe the anxiety that comes from being in a hyper activated state.

How I got better

I have had a problem with being too submissive due to the culture I was raised in. I have become more assertive by simply noticing my lack of anger because his helps me to feel the anger and stand up for myself. This started out very hit or miss but after a few times this got much better. I’m finding my voice and my anger is showing up appropriately and I am very glad about this.

Becoming aware and changing the behavior rewires neurons in the brain so the behavior becomes easier over time.

If you feel that people get away with treating you badly or if you have trouble saying no or if you fail to stand up for yourself then pay attention to the activation level in your body in the moment when this is happening to you. Noticing your internal lack of response and thinking “I should be getting angry right now” will help you speak up. As you become more assertive your relationships will become more authentic.

I also grew up in danger and my body if often on high alert even when there is nothing scary going on. I often pause and feel my body and I notice tension, shallow breathing, accelerated heart rate and a closed throat.

I often wake up at night and I feel restless. I know that my body is highly activated for no reason. At these times I visualize tender moments with my kids or my kitten cuddling into my neck or I listen to a meditation. Doing this calms my internal state very quickly and I am able to fall back asleep.

I visualized such moments during a stressful negotiation that I had with an aggressive person recently and I could tell it calmed my body down very quickly and things went my way! Another thing that helps me at times when I notice too much activation in my body is to notice a color in the room and why it speaks to me and this helps me stay present and calms my insides down.

People whose bodies are in a state of over or under arousal are not open to deep connection with others and may come across as unavailable or unfriendly. I know for myself that this interferes with my ability to form deeper emotional connections with other people. My life has improved tremendously with respect to my relationships since I started therapy and mindfulness.

I’m not all better yet, rewiring the brain takes time but so much has already improved for me. This has been amazing and I am grateful.

This article was originally published in the online magazine Bombs and Dollars with a slightly different title.

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