Why we keep falling in love with familiarity
If you have reached an age where it’s no longer ‘cool’ to be single but instead just kind of sad according to the rest of the world, then let me assure you I can relate. It’s easy to become lost amidst the babies popping out around you and the couples purchasing unaffordable housing that is almost affordable with the contribution of two wages, in a city that pays no sympathy to the independent patrons of our modern day society.
As a growing community of singles that embrace our circumstances with appreciation, gratitude, and strength, we probably need to pat ourselves on the back for reminding the loved-up couples around us, hopefully gently, that there actually isn’t anything frightfully wrong with us. It may in fact have more to do with the choices we are making based on what we know, but not what we know is good for us.
If you’ve ended up here you have undoubtedly had your fair share of ‘failed’ romantic experiences. As much as they make for brilliant stories which are always handy when you have dreams to write a book about all of them, they are also an instigator for reflecting on the relationship pattern that you have created based on your past.
Some of these experiences were most probably intense, releasing all those feel good chemicals in your brain that made you feel addicted and euphoric. It consumed you to the point of potentially forgetting to wear pants when you left the house with him at 3pm for breakfast, rocking a hairdo resembling that of a slightly dishevelled birds nest. But man, you had never felt so alive and dirty all mixed together at the same time and it was amazing. He looked at you like you were the most beautiful goddess that had ever walked the earth. Together you were invincible. For about 5 minutes until that inconvenient thing called ‘real life’ got in the way.
If we reflect even further back to our earlier years, our first experience of love was that of the relationship we had with our number one role models or caregivers — in most cases our parents. This is where I have been lucky. I was sheltered, protected, loved and supported. Not everyone shares that privilege however.
The way we view our initial loving relationships can unconsciously lead us to the choices we make when seeking potential partners as adults. The attachment we developed with our childhood real life heroes or the fast paced spontaneous hot and sweaty first romantic relationship in our teens (or for some like myself, much later in our adult life) have set a precedent within our subconscious. Essentially this has contributed to a ‘rewiring’ of the brain if you like, furthermore leading us to believe that what we have experienced previously is what we are destined for in our future relationships. The ‘spark’, the attraction and the desire within us lights up as soon as a familiar trait is expressed from the significant other in question.
Sometimes however, what we think we want and what we need are two very different things.
My friend in all her supportive attempts was committed to making me feel better about my fate over dinner the other day. As I shared with her yet ANOTHER ridiculous dating story of mine that we all knew was only going to end in disappointment, she reassured me ‘…but you can’t help who you’re attracted to.’ I had no choice in this moment but to challenge this theory.
We can. Feelings are little bitches that creep up on us and remind us of the time we were carefree, living with little responsibility, riding bikes at midnight and breaking into school yards. They trigger an instinct in us that represents love, even if the characteristics of that past relationship were negative, dismissive, cold or detrimental to our wellbeing. The excitement of an intense, fast moving, impulsive relationship occurring in our ‘youth’ can trick us into believing that spontaneity and danger are not only incredibly sexy but a representation of ‘true love’. The reality is that the older, wiser, and more settled we become in our adult lives, the more we want AND need reliability and security in a partner. This of course is the polar opposite to your try-hard James Dean adolescent boyfriend that tasted like stale cigarettes and made you feel giddy and rebellious.
How we break the pattern must begin by being aware of that. Challenging old habits that continually lead to similar outcomes that leave us feeling deflated not to mention defeated (again!) has to be a valuable lesson that initiates new behaviours. I will say however that dwelling on it all is useless. I’ve had some serious fun with those cheeky, dangerous, immature, and adorable shitheads and therefore have no regrets. And before you start quoting me on claiming we need to be purely logical when finding love, then calm down and take a breath. Shacking up with the ever so practical, logical, financially sound yet bland and slightly emotionless engineer isn’t the answer either. Trust me, I’ve tried that too.
Changing any habit we have created is incredibly difficult. I’m not denying this. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t be sitting here using my ‘misfortune’ (I prefer to call it ‘wealth of growth and experience’) to hopefully help others be kinder to themselves and actively make a change for the better. A moth drawn to a flame may quite possibly know its going to die but the urge can make it believe that being burnt at the end of this blissful moment will be worth it. Haven’t you been hurt enough already though? The next time you disregard the warning signs you may end up a true burns victim that never truly recovers. You have free will and all but you’ve had your moment (or five) of rebellion. If we are open to making more calculated decisions based not only on our feelings but positive human attributes in another that compliment our own, the true definition of fun may be just around the corner. But we have to be willing to give it a chance.
