Why You Need To Say No More Often
A few weeks ago I dropped my laptop, destroying the hard drive and making it unusable. Working from home over the last few months has made me a bit of a Zoom expert, even down to manipulating the camera to somehow make my skin look smoother!
So it was a bit of a bummer when my laptop smashed and affected the camera. I managed to replace the hard drive but putting my video on during presentations is not an option anymore, so I asked my son if I could borrow his new laptop (that I had bought him), for a call.
He struggled with my request for a few seconds then eventually said no, waiting to see how I would react. As a father, I was thinking if I should assert my authority and use his laptop anyway, but that didn't feel right. I reluctantly accepted his decision and when he saw my reaction, exclaimed, “saying no felt good!”
Saying no felt good, I pondered on that for a while. I got what he meant, and I was really glad I didn't insist on using his laptop. I think we all need to say no more often, no to unwanted thoughts, people, situations, and emotions.
My son's sense of empowerment from saying no will stand him in good stead for the future. Saying no can be difficult, especially if you have people-pleasing tendencies. It feels so final and can sometimes bring something to an end that we are not ready to let go of deep down.
As a coach, there is a tool I use called The No for Now tool. This is when you say that something isn’t right for you right now. It may become right for you in the future, but you will come back to it when it feels right. One of my clients was so happy to use this tool that she was bouncing in one of our follow-up sessions. She was finding it difficult to say no to a certain person and using this tool allowed her to take control of the situation. When facing a similar situation, you can use these words - “This is a no for now, but we can come back to it when it feels right or if the situation changes.”
Over the last few weeks, I have been reflecting on one of my friendships, I didn't like some of our interactions over the last few months and felt that a lot of our friendship was on his terms. Earlier this year, I had sent him a message to check on him and his family, and he responded months later, this had become a habit. When I first saw the notification, I was curious to read it and respond straight away, I try not to leave things lingering. This was one of those situations that I needed to say no.
I resisted the urge to jump in and start replying straight away and gave myself some time to think about my response. It was a ‘no for now’, replying only when I felt ready.
A little bit of empowerment goes a long way.
Here's what saying no more often can do for you:
- It gives you the headspace to focus on what’s really important
- It allows you to let go of the good and focus on the great
- It earns you respect because you set boundaries
- It shows people that you’re not a soft touch
- It gives you more time (we all need more of this!)
The short-term guilt you may feel from saying no is nothing compared to the obligation you’ll feel when you’ve said yes to something that you didn't want to. Some of the biggest issues I've had began when I hastily said yes to something that I didn't think through.
“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”
Josh Billings
As I get older, I'm starting to understand a little bit more about what makes me tick and how I'm wired. I've become acutely aware of the fact that I am more likely to say yes to people that I want to impress, regardless of the consequence to my own well-being. This realisation helps me to put safeguards in place so that I'm prepared.
Another thing I’ve realised is the impact that saying no has on our mental health. The last year has been crazy for everyone and with things seemingly changing every few days, saying no reminds us that ultimately we get a say on how things go.
A desire not to be swept up by events, we can choose what we say, watch, and do with our time and energy. Saying no to the many unhelpful things helps us to say yes to what’s truly important.
