You Can’t Have Your Cake & Eat It, Too. (Or can you?)

You’ve heard that saying, right?

I’m going to assume you’re nodding your head, yes.

It’s quite possible that my ex is dating someone new.

At first, this bothered me more so then I thought it would.

I already knew for a fact that he’s slept with someone since me (I’ll spare you the details as to how I know this.) It stung for a minute or two, but honestly, I didn’t really care.

We think of intimacy as being physical. Sex. While “emotional” cheating is a thing that’s sometimes talked about, in modern society “cheating” is considered having sex with someone outside of your relationship. This is often considered the worst thing you could possibly do to another person who you love.

I disagree.

Sex is often a quick act. Even if you have sex for a couple of hours, that’s nothing compared to the amount of quality time you spend with someone you love while in a relationship. Sex is easy. Sex is feeding the most primal need that we have as human beings.

You want to know what’s hard? Truly loving someone. Putting someone else ahead of yourself. Making compromises when you really don’t want to. Cleaning up someone else’s puke after they’ve had a rough night or are sick. Watching the person you’d give your own life for cry because they’ve lost someone they love. Putting up with the little things that bug the crap out of you because you know deep down the other person makes you better.

I realized that I’m upset about my ex because I know sex is cheap, sex is easy. Finding someone who you want to go through life with, good and bad, is hard and expensive (literally and figuratively.) I wanted to be the latter person, and now there might be someone else filling that void. For whatever reason, if I think about any of my ex’s having sex with someone else, my brain goes: “good for them. Get it!” But when I think about an ex that I loved connecting emotionally, laughing with, smiling at, and spooning with at night, I get nauseous as all get out.

Which brought me to another thought.

It’s hard enough to find someone who compliments you on an intellectual level. What are the actual odds of finding the optimal partner for you mentally in addition to physically? Obviously, you have to be physically attracted to the person you’re in a relationship with, and have good enough sex to keep you intrigued and fulfilled. But for real, if I asked you the best sex you’ve ever had in your entire life, was it with the person you’re currently with? Married to? Are you being honest? ;)

I’ve never fully been able to wrap my head around polyamorous relationships — not because I didn’t understand the logical premise, but more so because I just couldn’t imagine myself getting over the emotion involved with thinking about the person I love and am sleeping with, sleeping with someone else. But now I’m not 100% certain. When I’m with someone I love, the number one requirement is support. I want that person to be there, emotionally, and to support my mental and physical health. Yes I expect and want the physical connection to be there, and the emotional connection can make for really passionate and amazing sex.

So I don’t know. If that person was fulfilling requirement #1, and wanted to have sex with someone else who would provide amazing sex for an hour or two one day, what’s the harm in that? It actually has nothing to do with me. In fact, I could argue by allowing the person I love that experience, that I’m showing my love by supporting their physical wellbeing.

These are thoughts, random musings, and I have no idea what to truly make of them. They have that cake saying for a reason, so maybe I shouldn’t push my luck.