You Know What I Was So Mad About?

I was angry because I gave her all I had and gave up everything for us. Because I spent four years and every ounce of energy and restraint I had building a life for us, only to watch it burn to ash in a matter of moments as she walked away carelessly.

I was upset because all of the people I deemed as loyal, simply weren’t. Everything I had come to know and love turned ugly and red. Rage had a way of making me say the most awful of things to the best of people. Probably because those same people that brought out the best in me also brought out the worst in me. Some seemed to enjoy doing so and that angered me.

One by one I watched the people I assumed would always be there, walk out. Anger was easier to feel then sadness. With anger, it’s aimed outward. Sadness is just a feeling that sits inside that we try to not give access to how we appear on the outside. I thought I had an anger problem but really I probably just had a sadness problem. A problem with fear, a fear of ever appearing afraid.

There was so much I wanted to say but I didn’t know how so I screamed it instead. Everything I didn’t like about myself came out as things I didn’t like about you. The anger I displayed on a damn near daily basis was misdirected,who I was really mad at was myself for who I was becoming as well as for all of the wonderful things and people I was destroying along the way. For all of the people that gave me so much, that I did nothing but take from. Taking for granted was the worse form of taking I did. Although I took in just about every form possible. I took their time,money and energy as well as advantage of their love.

All I can do about any of that today is to be the best person I possibly can be, for my sake and yours. As a way of saying sorry to myself and you as well. I can also write about all of it in an attempt to try and learn from it,or so others can. As if someone as formerly angry as me has something to even teach.

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