The Rhetoric of being a Happy Superwoman
The push and pull of happiness in our pursuits
Isn’t this gif wonderful? How cleverly it explains the reality behind Women’s Day. A day when you think it is about you, while you actually end up dealing with the same shit as every day.
Psychologically it does feel good to have our day like Father’s day, Mother’s day, but the real effects are none, other than “Happy Women’s Day’ messages floating on Whatsapp and Facebook. The day was going fine for me until this video named “Superwomen” by Oriflame ruined it. It shows a multi-tasker woman managing home, running her own enterprise, and looking after her baby with no help and all smiles. And guess what? Everybody loves her because she is a superwoman. That video irked me; it was pushing women into a fictional world! The world where women are happy, contented, calm, secure and adulated. The reality as I know is otherwise. Hunky dory and perfect does not exist for real world women.
Truth be told, real world women are a mess! They are tired, sad, sleep deprived,anxious, worried and sick most of the time. They are also great in being ignorant of the same and can selflessly push themselves to the brink until they break down.
There was a time when such expectations played on my mind and coerced me in trying to be a superwoman. Quickly I realized it’s a hoax, at least for me. I made a choice to stay at home for the first six months after I had my baby. Then I realized I am expected to stay till my son turns 2. Now that he is almost 20 months, I have actually started enjoying this phase with him. He is more cuddly and expressive now, but I am slowly gearing myself to find my identity as a professional again.
Taking a break from work and staying at home isn’t stress free either. There are days when I am questioning my intelligence, confidence and self esteem. I feel judged, looked down upon as un-inspirational and worry about my chances of joining the workforce again.
I am learning to write along with relentlessly playing, feeding, cleaning and cuddling with my son, also fulfilling the household duties as a wife. My husband is super supportive, helps me in chores and motivates me to do something meaningful in life. Yet, there are times when I get so exhausted that I sit on the floor while cooking and yet 5 minutes later I am dancing with my kid.
The point is I have been on both sides of the fence and I understand that choices do not come easily to women. There is always a price to pay, not to forget the judgment we are constantly subjected to!
Women are juggling with emotions every few minutes of their life, from being elated for their promotion now to being judged as a bad mother 2 mins later. This juggling of responsibilities, emotions, and ambitions is rough and tiresome. Superwomen-ism is not happy, contented and smooth. In fact, it can be emotionally and mentally draining to fit into such perfect definitions.
The video didn’t show that all is not so rosy with superwomen. They have troubling times, feeling guilty for leaving their kids behind, exasperated with work, insecure about their promotion, exhausted with trying to multi -task and judged for being ambitious. Shouldn’t we talk reality instead of promoting fiction? Shouldn’t we address the challenges and stereotypes faced by women in the 21st century than to portray that they are happy and contented? Shouldn’t we address the health problems of women and acknowledge that they are exploited, ignored, molested, raped, impregnated and killed while we pray goddesses in our country?
All women are multi-taskers but the choice of being a working woman or homemaker depends primarily on one’s aspirations, priorities,capability of handling mental and emotional stress and of course one’s source of happiness. Any comparison is thus uncalled and unfair. We all make our choices, I am proud of superwomen around me who are constantly striving to balance their aspirations with the happiness quotient of their family. Sometimes it is not even about choice, it is hard to raise a family with single income. Thus the aspiration and priority are not always individualistic, more often it aims at giving better upbringing and resources to our kids.
My Mother and Mother-in-Law have been superwomen all their life and I have seen first hand the unending conflict of emotions and obstacles they had to go through. Although my mother was working, yet taking care of home was solely her responsibility with little to no help. I have seen her aging with hands getting dry and masculine, eyes becoming small and forehead getting wrinkled way sooner than others. She is 54 as of now and still runs from pillar to post every day trying to manage everything. She is my biggest inspiration in life.
The sad part is, both these wonderful women in my life grew complacent with the gender stereotype and went on to raise their kids in traditional ways. I was constantly reminded to learn managing home so as to become marriageable material. The only advice my mother had at my wedding was to stay quiet and do as asked by my future family( What I did is a different story). My family had humble beginnings and I always dreamt of becoming the son to my parents. But time and again, I was told that my parents won’t take a penny from me even if I go on to earn well someday. I was made to learn that though I am their daughter but I would be the asset to someone else.
My mother did what she could within the restraints of her times. With time, the struggle is still largely same, the constraints have changed. Yet today, we can raise our voice and our hands in support and solidarity. So I am speaking for myself and several others like me when a video camouflages our daily challenges with perfection and the celebration of the unreal.
Superwomen need support; they need help and resources for maintaining that fine balance in their life. Technology has helped a lot, but we need to amp up our efforts in building an inclusive approach to raising families and placing fewer burdens on the shoulders of women. Why don’t we teach our boys to cook and clean? There was a time when I used to abhor doing domestic chores because why only me? But now I have realized these are life skills. They should be taught to kids irrespective of gender. It is only when we will make these basic chores gender neutral, can then we think of progressing further. Probably then there will be less pressure on women to be superwomen.
However, there is much delight and celebration when husbands do their part at home. They are applauded even if they change a diaper or take a day off for their sick child.Why is that celebratory and not the norm?In fact, the way society raises our kids contributes to mental disorders getting gender oriented. While depression is common in women, men are likely to suffer from antisocial personality disorder. Thus, the reality of many households is a child being raised by a depressed worn out mother and an aggressive, oppressive or indifferent father. We need our men to be in touch with their feminine side. We need our homes balanced with shared responsibility ,aspirations and emotional expressions irrespective of gender.
You can only imagine my joy when I heard about a woman bringing her 4 month old to office in India, that is progressive, that is the kind of support system women want. Working women want more such favorable policies, where motherhood is made inclusive and is not held against us by denying jobs to pregnant women or holding their promotion or giving them a less competent project.
Similarly stay at home moms need moral support with no judgment and prejudices. They need motivation to stay at home when required, then to bring them back to work and making their transition from home to work easier when and if they decide to return.
I would also emphasize that everybody can’t be a super achiever, be it a man or a woman, its time we give the ordinary its due credit. Being extraordinary is awesome, being ordinary is great, its normal. And normal is good, considering the increasing no. of people who succumb to mental and emotional challenges amidst the race of life. We tell our daughters to become ambitious and achievers, yet we force them to get married when time comes. We tell them they can have it all but after marriage, we except them to be homemakers first,have kids and put career on hold. Why didn’t we show them this reality ahead of time?
The Celebration of women’s day should be about celebrating the choices we make and acknowledging the price we pay for choosing it. We don’t want to have it all, we just want the opportunity to do whatever we can to the best of our abilities; it is about respect for the choices we make and a support system to enable us to make those choices. We don’t need to be the other; we just need to be what we really are capable of.
Regarding the video which pushed me on this train of thoughts, I could have liked it- had the husband at least made his tie on his own and if rest of the family could have taken the baby for sweet Momma to have some ‘me’ time! Wishful thinking, eh, maybe!
