life experiences
Working With Prisoners & Ex-Prisoners pt.2
Does everyone deserve support?
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This article was inspired by Gustave Deresse’s prompt “Does Everyone Deserve Support?” .
If you have not yet read the first part of my experiences of working with prisoners and ex-prisoners, you can do so here.
During my time at the organization that assisted prisoners and ex-prisoners, I realized that humans can’t really decide whether someone deserves support or not. Emotions and beliefs will always get in the way. That was particularly challenging for me, since I had to remain impartial and offer my help as a therapist to anyone that needed it regardless of what they’ve done. It was a good lesson in how true “unconditional positive regard” looks like.
Unconditional positive regard is an important premise in person-centered therapy, first brought forth as a term by Carl Rogers. It is about accepting the person as another human being who tries the best they can. It also means that the therapist will continue to care for the growth of the person, regardless of their past.
Unconditional positive regard can also be practiced outside of therapy. For example, during our day-to-day interactions when we can try to be accepting of a person, or when we try to understand and empathize with them.
One day, I was assigned to work with a man I knew nothing about. My supervisor just told me to get in the room and run the session on my own, as she had something else to do. I wasn’t even given time to read his file. Later, I found out that she just didn’t want to work with him.
The first 20 minutes of the session were okay. He talked about his struggles in prison, how he regretted his actions that led him there, and how he missed his fiancée. Then, for the next 5 minutes, he talked about his dreams and how he wants to move on once he’s released. We were already half-way through the 50-minute session, and I was trying to understand what exactly brought him there. It seemed that he liked talking to me though, and told me a couple times that he felt relaxed.
Eventually, he talked about a recent nightmare he had. His description was chaotic, so I asked whether his nightmare is trauma-induced (after explaining what that means). He told me that indeed, it was that way. He then proceeded to talk about his part in the crimes that landed him in prison. I’m sure that I stopped breathing when I realized what he was talking about.
Three years earlier, members of the neo-fascist political group “Golden Dawn” in Greece murdered a singer-activist in plain sight on the street. They also murdered and beaten up immigrant workers. Without going into details, the man I have been talking about so far, was a member of the group and had a small role in their activities.
If you have read my article on my unfortunate encounter with a group of neo-Nazis in Prague (linked here), you know how I feel about those people. The realization that I had to spend 20 more minutes with that man was difficult to overcome.
He kept talking about his regrets, how he was mislead and how the stronger members of the group took advantage of the weaker ones, promising them that they’ll have power and a place to belong. From his family history, it was evident that that man really wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere and believe that he was strong. Of course, that didn’t justify his participation in murders and groups that terrorized immigrants, but it somehow explained why he did it.
I chose to get in touch with what I felt before he revealed what he had done. Before knowing that, I was able to empathize with him, listen to him without judgment and give him meaningful insights. I used all my energy to retain my focus on that, and not allow my mind to occupy itself with other thoughts.
Eventually, the session time was over. He smiled and extended his hand for a handshake. I felt that I was back in Prague, cornered by the neo-Nazis and having to pretend that all is well. Then, I remembered that that case was different. I wasn’t in imminent danger from him, and I was able to empathize with him and help him. So, letting all other thoughts aside, we shook hands.
I am definitely not a saint or a god. I believe though that everyone who seeks support, deserves to have access to it. In the same setting, I have worked with serial rapists who took pride in their actions. Two cases of murderers who showed no remorse made me feel the same way too. They didn’t want support, they just wanted the pleasure of having their stories heard. Still, I offered them support, while trying to understand which events in their life led them to those actions.
Maintaining unconditional positive regard in our everyday life can be a challenge. However, I believe that as long as there’s real empathy, some obstacles can be overcome and we can create meaningful connections even with people who have done some ugly things.
As long as they want the help and the support.
