I’m 21 Years Old & I Don’t Know How Birth Control Works

There is a tremendous lack of knowledge, and a lack of access when it comes to preventative and reproductive care. Even saying that feels weird, though, because it is such a hot political topic: “defund planned parenthood!” “Stop abortions!” “Teach abstinence!” It’s clear that someone out there knows how all this sex stuff works. They just don’t want me to know.

I remember asking my mom how her first time went. I was just fifteen when I asked, but I recognized the gut tightening fear in her eyes. It was quick, there one moment and gone in the next. “I mean, it hurt,” was what I got, followed by “are you thinking of having sex?” The question was laughable to me. Of course not, I wanted to say. I just wanted to know how it worked. What goes where? How long does the pain last? What about protection? How do you get birth control and how does it work? Why are some condoms locked behind glass shelves? But asking those questions meant I was thinking of doing it, and telling me to save myself for Jesus was a lot easier than answering my questions. I thought this for a long time.

Now, at twenty-one, with the knowledge of the World Wide Web at my fingertips, I know a lot more than when I first asked my mom that question when I was fifteen. Some questions I Googled, others I stumbled upon. Let’s all be honest here, porn is always a great way to learn about sex and sexuality. I learned how gay sex works. I learned about anal. I learned about proper and also questionable forms of BDSM. I learned the differences between condoms; some are more lubricated than others. I learned the differences between circumcised and uncircumcised penises. I learned what a freaking clitoris is! …And it still confounds me that there are young girls (even some of my own twenty some year old friends) who don’t know what that is, or where it’s located on our bodies.

But there are still things I don’t know, things I don’t even know to ask. And I realize now, my mother didn’t avoid my questions because she wants to shield me from ever having sex. My grandmother migrated to the U.S. from Mexico at an older age. So she grew up in a place where sex was just an act. Birth control wasn’t a topic, or even words muttered in her household. She got pregnant at a very young age and then continued to have kids until she popped out a total of 9. My grandma had no one there to inform her. All she knew of sex was what my grandpa had showed her in the bedroom. That’s why these kinds of discussions and questions are important, especially when it comes to our own bodies.

When reading Foucault’s The History of Sexuality, the gay, French philosopher discusses how talk of sexuality has always been done in a “roundabout and vague” manner; in other words, we’re talking about it, but we’re not really discussing it. We involve it in our politics, we try to jockey for laws on regulating it, but we don’t inform people about it. This it that confuses and frightens is what leads to misinformed teens, oblivious adults, and places a stigma on any of us who actually want to have a discussion about it. Back in 2015, only 22 states required sexual education and out of the 22, only 13 were required to be medically accurate. That should raise a red flag for everyone. Who wants false or modified sexual information? Giving one young woman the wrong information could mean the difference between a dangerous and life-threatening abortion she performs herself, or receiving a sexually transmitted disease, both terrible circumstances.

But I want to bring it back to my own experience for a moment. I recently went to a doctor because I have been experiencing irregularities with my period for several years now. I wanted birth control to help regulate it. Even after saying this to my doctor, she refused to prescribe me birth control. She was adamant that my irregularities were normal and to give it more time. I left the doctor’s office furious. I came in asking for birth control and she sent me away with nothing. I didn’t know how to combat this violence against my reproductive health. I didn’t know that I was supposed to press harder for birth control. But I shouldn’t have had to do so. If someone comes in asking for birth control, there should be no debate. I still don’t know too much about birth control, or the other options that are out there besides the pill. But I’m learning thanks to the Internet — a much better teacher than any adult in my life. I’m hoping that with my continued questions and research that I will be more informed, so that when my nieces or nephews, or anyone in my life, come to me with questions, I can assure them that having these questions are good and I’ll be ready to help them any way I can. Whether that’s by redirecting them to other books, articles, or even great porn sites, I’ll be armed.