My Husband Cooks & Cleans and His Mom is Hella Confused

Marriage is composed of two people who wish to live with one another and accomplish goals together. Ideally, they do this because they love and care for each other. Supporting each other in simple ways such as sharing chores while the other one is working does not mean that either person has less value.

My husband and I may not be treated equally outside of our home, but in our home we both work. It is our commitment to each other.

My mother-in-law is confused about the idea that men do not belong in the kitchen. She believes that women should do the cooking, cleaning, and house chores in general. When it is time to serve the meals, men in her house are not allowed to serve themselves. She serves everyone then at last she’ll serve herself. If my husband offers to do some of the cooking or if he washes his own dishes she will ask him to leave, she’ll take over and say “this is for girls”. When my husband and I got married, she knew that I cooked and took care of my house chores, that I shared with my brothers of course, and that was a plus for her. She thought I would do it all for her son.

Italian feminist, Luisa Muraro, claims “There is a wrong way to believe that one has rights, and a wrong way to believe that one does not have any” “The Passion of Feminine Difference Beyond Equality”

The wrong way to believe that one has rights, is believing that the male has the right not to help with the house chores. That they have the right to feel that feeding themselves or helping in the home is not their responsibility and that it is other’s (women’s) responsibility. My mother-in-law was depriving her son from learning self-help skills and considerably living skills, she did not think about what he would do if she is not around. Stepping into the kitchen to make a meal because your body is hungry is what a human would do. It never crossed her mind that depriving her son to learn these skills could have an effect on his self-esteem and to be independent. His right to do nothing for himself is what she believes in.

The wrong way to believe that one does not have any rights, is the believe that women cannot ask men for help to maintain their home or to help in the kitchen. That we don’t have the right to feel supported and to have the men do the cooking in the home. According to my mother-in-law’s way of thinking, women are responsible to make sure that their husbands have all their needs met when they come home from work and that they should rest after that. She likes to work extra, but I’m sorry I did not sign up for that.

My parents taught me responsibilities and never told me to do things for my brothers because I was the “girl”. We all shared shores and collaborated with each other. I don’t think gender defines what one should or should not do.

After we got married, my husband’s world was different. He now had to learn how to keep maintenance in our home and to cook at least simple foods for us. Not only did he get a self-esteem boost, but he felt like his skills can help “us” grow in our marriage. We both work, I attend school, and we have no kids. Our duties are shared and when I’m not in school I get to spoil him in return to him spoiling me when I get home at late hours at night. She witnessed his great “self-help” skills and willingness to help me in the kitchen and gave him the confused look. He said to his mom, “It’s OK mom I’m still your son.”

There are no perfect couples or relationships, but relationship that work towards being more than equal would not have to worry about who has rights or not. Relationships can start off with a foundation to build on what allows them to be who they are and exclude sexual differences as an important factor to say who should do what.