Isolation and Extraction (18' in summary)
This post has three appendices, incorporated in the text. Please, explore it for a full experience ;-)
In primary school, I had a philosophy class based on a book called “Give a minute, I will think”. In 2010 I talked about feeling in my personal review. But from there, some of those feelings were quietly carried inside without accountability. This year was a disconnection from the outer space and a strong slap on my mind, screaming to me “Give a year, I will feel”.
I’m thinking how to summarize a year that I don’t sure how it was. In part, due to my lack of self-accountability. In other, because I feel isolated. Let’s me explain.
2018 I don’t consider a good year. Not because thing got a overall bad or hard time, if not because I felt stuck and isolated. Stucked in Arizona, a quite alone, and without focus or organization. More like, making just the required, most of the time, late.
January was the beginning of a term dedicated to Science policy. An intense and salmon research time, with intense readings and conferences. Courses were really enjoyable, with a lot of cool readings about innovation systems, knowledge system, technology governance, and emerging technologies. In addition, I went back to Crossfit after trying to deal with my fitness in the gym (and fail).
In this semester, I decided to work in my second-year project and dissertation with Laura, who has an impressive humanitarian technology to support communities. I asked to be my advisor during the travel that is the Ph.D. and she accepted. For my part, I felt I don’t do enough during 2018 in my research, and I felt bad for this. This will be a central area of improvement during 2019.
During the summer, in some way, I got lost in shiny screens, looking the world without doing it. I spend hours watching wonderful mediations but restricting my own interactions. An incomplete affordance about what is I supposed to do. The trip to Chile was for a messy conference (as STS is, in words of John Law), and I spend a lot of time sick and catch-up with close friends. The time with Matias was perfect and Ricardo was the best during all this month (and all the other months).
The collarbone fracture doesn’t contribute to my good mood, due to limit a new place in my life: The Crossfit box. In some way, the box (and my conversations with Richard), were the only non-ASU things during this year. This concentration of activities in the University makes me felt enclosed, restricted, isolated. The change of house-roommate also contributed to this tension.
Even, this year got me the privilege of several amazing travels, in which I learn a lot. Australia and 4S were refreshing and almost perfect -stupid airline- Pancho Cuevas helps me a lot to manage my time there, and Saurabh was a great partner in crime during the conference. Anthropocene Campus give me more questions and increased my professional anxiety. But I met incredible colleagues and some new friends.
Nevertheless, that feeling of isolation in AZ became more strong everytime that I went back. A kind of emotional desertification by my own limitations. When I I became a prisoner of my feelings and fears. Explicit anxiety, and a sort-of-depressed-state (in the way of disassociation, lack of desire or demotivation). went between February to September to a counselor. I think was a good start, but not enough.
But, as several of my inspirations, I started to figure out that all those boundaries was made by my own. Lindsay, the PT was amazing supporting my recovery from my shoulder. With that, I started from my last birthday a change in my attitude with the visit of Matias and other activities in a term dedicated to design and engagement.
The beat of vibes help me to drive some of those emotions, but when my collarbone got better and I restarted physical and social activities, is when I started to extract those feelings on me. The course of Wendy on Visual Narratives was blown my mind in new ideas, concepts, and aesthetics. I played a lot of Fortnite during this term “for academic purposes”.
A short conversation with Lauren (a faculty with whom I will be taking a class during Spring 2019), was a good emotional slap. December is a month like when you bite for a snake, discover the source of my emotional fracture and I started work to heal it. I tried to put in order several things in my mind, disarm some mental struggles and try to increase my perspective and confidence.
And now I felt more prepared after an inner difficult year. I will try to incorporate more readings and meditation, as well planned in advance some activities. All that time my feelings enclosed me, making an invisible boundary, supported by digital platforms. Several of the problems during this year was related about mismanagement of time and lack of accountability (like blogging).
I have a bunch to read during 2019, but even more to write.
Happy New Year. :-)
2017: Crecer, 2016: El dia despues, 2015:Ensueno y desplazamiento, 2014: Propositos, 2013: Silencio y Estridencia, 2012: Laberintos, 2011: Sorpresas, 2010: Sentir (Parte I, Parte II, Parte III), 2009: Madurez, 2008: Caos, 2007: Diversidad, 2006: Recuento Anual (arcoiris remix)