About depression and loneliness
And so I was alone. Like I did before.
Questions, about depression have come in before.
Answer is what I gave them,
But wonder came to me.
Not a suicidal thoughts, no. Never gone that far.
I was raised this way, and was an end product of something I never thought of.
The problem is I was rejected. Or at least wasn’t welcome at all. Years and years I try to find myself, who I am, what I wanted to be. And yes, I’ve find answers, I find calm, I find a place to belong.
But at some point in my life, I feel empty. and by some point I mean 9 years, altogether.
I was an exile.
A failed product.
And I never realized that.
I wasn’t bullied no. I was,
lonely.
After all this 20 years of my life.
3 was an infant.
3 was happy and innocent.
9 was lonely and delusional.
and 5 was actually living and thriving.
I always thought that I’m a strong person. That I did not fucking care about what others think about me.
WELL, I WAS WRONG.
after 20 years, now I realized what I seek is acknowledgement. I don’t know that. Really.
I was trying to win their hearts. And for what reason?
To payback years I’ve wasted.
To go back in time and change things so that I wasn’t like this.
If only I did things differently, I wouldn’t be like this.
Like this. I feel it now. the damn thing that engulf me.
I can see it clearly. I was looking for one thing that missing.
It’s like I’m screaming out loud. It’s my fault.
I’ve wasted you guys.
I’m too naive, you’re not the bad guys,
they justa human being.
chances are, I won’t be fit in anyway. I was too late. I never really am, never was, and never would be. I did not have the capacity to be along with the gods.
I was an Introvert. I don’t know what I am now. Who I was made me what I am right now. But I know I’m not the man I used to be.
It wasn’t a long time,
But I appreciate it,
It may never go any further,
But I thankful for that.
I had what I had,
And with what I got right now,
I won’t make the same mistakes.
I won’t.
Because I know,
It hurts.
