You’re RUINING your childbirth
As an expectant first time Mother, both my husband and I are going through a lot of new experiences, some happy and others not so happy.
When it came to deciding whether or not to find out the sex of the child in advance, we spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons as a couple and then made the best decision for the both of us. We decided we’d like to find out. We’re both forward planners so this made sense for us from a preparation point of view. Plus, neither of us felt that we’d be happy waiting so long to find out when we could find out sooner.
We knew that our parents may not share our views so we told them that we’d be finding out, but that if they’d prefer not to know we would respect their wishes and try to keep it to ourselves. Yes, we know that inevitably they might find out by accident if we say “he” or “she” without thinking, but at the end of the day our decision to know shouldn’t be based solely on the opinions of our parents, so we’d just have to do what we could to accommodate their wishes.
After making this decision, we spoke in anticipation with friends about the upcoming scan and how excited we were for the big reveal. Many of their reactions shocked us.
“You’ll spoil the surprise”
“The childbirth won’t be as wonderful if you know the sex already”
“You’ll ruin it”
Let’s just sit back and drink those statements in. These were said by friends with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop. These people were actually telling 2 expectant parents that the moment their child is born — the moment that we know we’re totally unprepared for as no-one knows how wonderful it is until they experience it themselves — will be ruined, and that we’re the ones ruining it. Now as I haven’t experienced it yet it should be impossible to say, but I’m 100% certain that when the breathtaking experience of holding my first born child in my arms happens, I won’t be thinking “pfft, whatever, I already knew the sex, this is so lame”. To be told that this experience will be tarred is a horrible thing to hear. Especially when so many people think it’s appropriate to say this to us.
Unsurprisingly, it is only those people who waited to discover the sex of their own children who have said this to us. Those who found out beforehand and those who are yet to have children, tend to try to give us useful insights into either their own experiences or their opinions on what they might do, but ultimately they understand that one way is not right for everyone and that the right decision for us mightn’t be the same path they chose. They don’t try to push their method on us or make us feel bad about our choice, they just try to help constructively and in a way which we found very useful. Now to be fair, not every couple we know who waited till the childbirth to find out the sex has said this to us, but the majority of them have.
At this time in our lives friends and family are always keen to share their knowledge to try to help and prepare us, but this is done in a productive way and we’re very appreciative of it. They’ll say “I think X way is better than Y way and this is the reason” and if sometimes we rebuke with “oh well personally we think that Y might be better for us because it suits us better X” then they’re usually very open to what we think. Most parents know that one solution doesn’t fit everyone out there.
With this one hot topic though it seems that all decorum can go out of the window. It seems that it’s more than acceptable to tell someone that they’re “ruining their childbirth” and that if they don’t choose your way of doing things, then so be it on your head. The last time this was said to us, I made it clear that I was upset at what had been said, and I even received responses indicating that I was just being hormonal or overly sensitive and I was the odd one for reacting poorly to what is clearly a normal thing to say.
So my advice is this. Always offer help to new and expectant parents, I’m sure we need it more than we’ll ever know! Just don’t force your way of doing things on other people as the only right way to do them, and most importantly, never ever tell someone that they’re “RUINING” their childbirth. It’s not nice.
