Self-Management in Times of Stress and Breakdowns
Emotional First-Aid
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Where do you find a place to make an emotional phone call in the most upscale of streets, in the most cosmopolitan of cities? It was the middle of summer. I got a job working in Central, Hong Kong while spending the summer with my family. It was so hard to hold back my tears. But I had to tell my dad that I had to change my flight and leave soon.
It was always, and still is, difficult to leave my family, no matter how many years I have spent in America. It was especially hard then, as it had only been 2 years since I’d moved away. Only after I left, did I truly understand that my family is the most valuable treasure I have, which I was fortunate enough to be born into. At the same time, I couldn’t contain my desire to explore what is beyond all that I was familiar with. Especially since I got a full scholarship to start a Ph.D. program that combined all the subjects that I love — computer science, psychology, and philosophy. I was about to live my intellectual dream of being in academia and studying AI.
Maya was the first friend I made in Pittsburgh.
Maya
Maya and I met in our dormitory. All new students were allowed to stay there until the beginning of the semester before we found our living quarters. Lucky for me, I found a place in the beautiful Squirrel Hill area, and that’s where Maya found hers too. Even though grad school was a lot of work and little sleep, we managed to hang out sometimes, and even went to a Halloween party together.
Over the semesters we got to know each other more, and I was very delighted to get invited to a sleepover. We cooked and ate and watched her favorite movie Legally Blonde together. But only after she shared a piece of her history did I realize that the movie is not just a feel-good movie for girls like us, who want to be smart and beautiful and loved. The movie actually had great significance to her mental health.
Depression
The next morning, while we were eating breakfast, Maya revealed part of the reason why she came to America. She was raped in high school by her own teacher. And in her culture, a lot of times the victim was blamed in such cases. That was what happened to her. A teenager, a victim of rape, was blamed for being hurt by someone she trusted.
Maya had been on medication then, I believe, for a couple of years. She told me watching Legally Blonde had been in her daily routine. Every morning before going to school, she would watch 15 minutes of it to give herself a boost of energy. It helped her to get out there to face the world, and follow her dream.
At the time, I didn’t really understand depression. To me, Maya didn’t seem unhappy at all. The fact is we laughed a lot. And even though I graduated summa cum laude with a BA in Psychology, the concept of depression at the time was just something I’d only read about in textbooks. I couldn’t relate to the illness nor understand how it feels to be depressed. The only thing I could understand then was how strong she was to not be defeated by what happened, and how courageous she was to find and use her own way to manage her mental states.
In reality, I myself was getting closer and closer to the same destiny. Loneliness haunted me. And later I would learn loneliness was not the cause of my depression, but a symptom. My depression was not caught like a virus or from situations like Maya experienced, even though there was a triggering event. In my case, depression took many years to ripen, and the right circumstances to flourish.
Self-Management
Thinking back, I wish I thought of Maya’s strategy sooner when I myself was experiencing depression. But I guess Maya didn’t explicitly say she was depressed. I only understood it after I myself struggled with it for years, and that what she told me that morning was a self-management strategy.
Over the years, I have devised many of my own. The common denominator is that we both found it necessary to use some form of strategy to manage ourselves. It is a declaration that “we are going to outsmart you, emotion!” I found that the more I practice these strategies, the easier it is to find the strength to implement them. Because I am determined to not let my emotions take over my life. I am the master of myself.
Emotional First-aid
Like Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
In the past, I would just analyze and analyze my emotions and thoughts and try to determine the root cause while my mood remained under the water. However with experience, I realized the first thing must come first. And that first thing is to stabilize my emotions. No matter how I feel, I need to get to a better place as quickly as possible. Because the more I linger in the low emotions, the stronger the momentum to stay takes hold. Also because staying on that emotional level does not help us see things clearly. But seeing things clearly is the only way to find the root cause.
To get out of my head, the most effective first-aid strategy for me has been either simply walking out of my residence or taking a shower. It could be wholly another story to muster enough strength to let go of those emotions and go and implement the strategies though. Because sometimes, believe it or not, we get addicted to being sad, being down, being emotional. Sometimes we mistake strong emotions as evidence of love, care, or even of being alive. However taking that first step helps to break the emotional state and start the process of alleviation.
I know personally it’s easier said than done at times to motivate ourselves to get out of strong emotional states. But I also know that with persistence, success is eventually ours. We just do not give up, we just tell ourselves to get up and do it, we just encourage ourselves like we would encourage our friends. “Monza, go outside now”, I would say to myself. “Meow meow, you did a good job!” You can see I also praise myself.
With practice, nothing is impossible!
Your First-Aid Strategy
Learning to console ourselves in times of stress and breakdowns helps us rebound and rebound quicker. And having a go-to strategy that is easily accessible prepares us for success. What is your first-aid when you discover that you are in the lower emotional states? Do you:
- Watch a movie, like Maya did?
- Listen to music? Which kind? Which singer? Which song?
- Do homework or projects?
- Read a book/articles?
- Listen to podcasts/audiobooks? Which ones?
- Call a friend/family member?
- Play with tarot cards?
- Take a shower or a bath, like I would?
- Walk out of your place, like I would too?
- Draw or paint?
- Sing a song?
- Play an instrument? What is your instrument?
- Go to your hobby? What’s yours?
- Eat a small bowl of ice cream? (It might be too much of a reward though would it?)
- Paint your nails?
- Go for a run?
Maybe you have a strategy or two that worked for you but you haven’t tapped into for a while? Or maybe you are super smart and already have a handful that you’ve been using? We would love to know about your first-aid strategy. Please share with us in the comments section!
And for the curious, Maya is not my friend’s real name.
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