How To Age Without Apology: Author Nina Collins on Why Her Facebook Group for Women of a Certain Age Is Feminist AF
If you look at advertising, TV shows, movies, magazines, and pretty much…every form of cultural expression, women are supposed to be sexy and young. As long as we fit a certain silhouette, our nubile, fertile young flesh is adored, desired and celebrated.
And when we stop looking young due to the anatomical (and gravitational) realities of aging? Well, then. It’s best that we either try to appear as young as possible via artificial means — or disappear from relevance.
But here’s the thing: we don’t disappear. And even when we do everything we can to stay fit and look young on the outside, be it plastic surgery, extreme skin care regimens, or artfully applied cosmetics, many of us are still forced to confront the transformations happening on the inside — and the way the people in our lives respond to those transformations (typically by pretending they aren’t happening). I almost didn’t interview Nina because I thought as someone in my 40’s a book about ‘aging’ was certainly not for me. Turns out there is a lot to talk about as you peer over that psychological hill and it actually feels great to put it all out there.
Hormonal changes. Marital problems and infidelity. Dating after divorce. Finding sensuality in your post-multiple-pregnancy, middle-aged physique. Having regrets about taking a career break to raise kids. Cosmetic procedures. These are things that we rarely talk about in public or even privately with our friends, but we need to talk about it with someone. The question is, who?
In 2015, author Nina Lorez Collins created a secret Facebook group. It was a place where she could seek the advice of her friends who had already experienced perimenopause and other physical changes related to aging. Friends invited friends and now the group, called “What Would Virginia Woolf Do?” (WWVD) has grown to a 19,000 member community in which women share — and sometimes overshare — the challenges and fears and triumphs of life over 40.
“It’s been a very interesting organic experience of really smart women over 40 wanting to talk about where they are in life,” Nina told me in our recent interview for my podcast Inflection Point. “It started as a place to talk about health stuff and now it’s… very much a place where we talk about who we want to be and the second half of our lives, basically.”
Recently, one of the WWVD members confessed her growing discomfort over being naked in front of her husband, despite his assurances that she was beautiful.
Some of the other members admonished her to appreciate that she had a man to see her “through the eyes of love.” Some helpfully offered weight loss advice. But the majority of the responses were “same here.” There was an outpouring of empathy and support for a sister-in-arms caught in the internal battle between the physical changes that come with age and the unrealistic beauty standards society has programmed into women.
Many times Facebook groups feel like a place to argue with people in public — to out-comment one another in a futile attempt to win the Internet. Some Facebook groups — especially ones with a feminist take — start out with good intentions, but can quickly devolve into a constant judge-fest or a ghost town where no one engages in conversations. As you scroll through the thousands of posts in WWVD, you discover a candid, compassionate exchange of stories, confessions, advice, support, over and over again.
Sometimes the threads can get contentious, as they did when a member posted anonymously asking how she can get over the end of her five year affair without screwing up her marriage. But amongst over 300 comments to the post, many offered the original poster honest, non-judgemental advice about seeking therapy so she can examine her need to compartmentalize her life.
Clearly Nina Collins has broken the ice for a conversation that women over 40 have been desperate to have: one in which we confront our shame, embrace our imperfections, honor what makes us unique, and benefit from our collective wisdom so that we can lift each other up.
Sounds like feminism to me.
The question is, why do we need a private online group to make these conversations happen? Why don’t we talk about the realities of middle age womanhood with the same frankness and positivity that we do about puberty and pregnancy? And what happens when we stop treating aging as a shameful secret and honor it as a time of transformation, wisdom, and self-actualization?
Nina has captured the essence of this group and her own reflections on “aging” in her new book, What Would Virginia Woolf Do? And Other Questions I Ask Myself As I Attempt To Age Without Apology.
Listen to our conversation here on Inflection Point:
And when you’re done, come on over to The Inflection Point Society, our Facebook group of everyday activists who seek to make extraordinary change through small, daily actions.
An excerpt of this article originally appeared in Salon.com.
