My Journey to 2017: How shame, self-compassion and God’s grace became my story.
I have always seen myself in a positive light. I don’t think I’ve ever been cocky or egotistical, but I’ve been happy with how I’ve acted throughout my 24 years. I’ve never considered myself a rebel of any kind. In fact, I saw my greatest strength as the ability to do the right thing. While this is a wonderful idea to chase in our pursuit of living like Jesus, it caused me to become a perfectionist, worried about what others thought of me, and afraid to make a mistake.
I am a Christian. I was saved by Christ from my sins on June 30th, 2001 when I was 8 years old. Since then, I’ve strived to live my life for God. Unfortunately, I’ve failed miserably in this endeavor. I’ve gone months without reading my Bible, praying, and evangelizing. I’ve lived my life the way Austin Coley wants to, not the way Christ intended it. The scary part is for the past 16 years, I’ve felt like a “good Christian” because I have been an overall nice, good guy. On some level, I think I was able to connect with God because I felt righteous because of my behavior. Looking back on that time in my life, I almost felt as if I was closer to God because I abided by the rules the majority of time.
I got married in January, and have enjoyed perhaps the happiest first year of marriage imaginable. As a minor league baseball player, I was having a fairly successful season. I had 12 wins and helped our team win a championship in the Florida State League. I was able to get my offseason plans in order with two jobs and a place to live in Nashville, and I was on good terms with my Lord.
Until one day in September.
For some reason, I started to feel extremely anxious and panicky. I felt as if I made a life-altering mistake, but there was nothing specific to point to. I started to see how broken, sinful, vulnerable, and unworthy I really am. I felt incredibly guilty, or so I thought, for a number of sins I had committed from early childhood to present day. I started to feel inadequate, not only for my God, but for the people who love me most: my wife, my family, and my friends. I would become unexplainably upset with myself thinking, “I can’t believe those sins you committed Austin… You’re supposed to be a strong Christian and a good guy.” It wasn’t one big sin I was struggling over, it was an accumulation of the everyday sins over my lifetime.
The truth is, I started to feel less than. Over the next three months, there were a dozen+ times that I fell deep into a pit, as I like to call it. While I was in this pit, my face would become extremely hot, my heart would race, and I could only focus on one thing: my inadequacy. When I couldn’t take being in the pit any longer, I’d confide in my wife, bless her heart, and my family about the struggles I was going through. In these moments, I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I just couldn’t justify it.
That’s when I realized the true identity of my struggles: my shame.
Shame is a terrifying topic to think about, especially when you are in the middle of feeling shameful. We even try to use the words “fear” and “guilt” to abstain from associating ourselves with shame. Shame is what makes us feel less than, not enough, and inadequate. My shame caused me to stray away from God because I felt undeserving of His wonderful mercy. I was frightened to open my Bible and speak to God because I felt inadequate to receive His magnificent grace.
I believe Satan uses shame to distance us from The Father. While cultivating shame requires secrecy, self doubt, and suppressing emotions, beating shame involves courage, vulnerability, and the realization that we can’t receive peace for our wrongdoings without Jesus.
After a lot of internal exploring, I have found the only way to feel God’s grace is to first have self compassion. Before I can connect with God, I have to first be okay with my mistakes and allow God to fill me with His mercy.
The truth is we all have our own demons. While shame may be mine, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, and many others affect different people. Don’t ever feel like whatever you are going through isn’t important or “messy enough” to seek help. It’s real and important because it’s what YOU are going through.
The beautiful part is God works most during trials. 2nd Corinthians 12:8–9 says:
“Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
We live in a world that forces us to try and make our lives seem perfect. From Instagram filters to statuses, happiness seems weighted by who we appear to be, when the truth is the only way to happiness is by living a genuine life. With that being said, I encourage everyone to make 2017 the most genuine year yet. Talk about your struggles, leave status at the door, and do what you love to do. Sing, dance, laugh, love, and be yourself. In the end, the only person’s opinion that matters is yours.
If this article gives you a gut feeling that you need to express what you have been suppressing, or change your life to live happier, please find someone you trust, and confide in them. As always, I’d love to hear and help anyone who wants to reach out to confide in me.
My email is austin.coley3@gmail.com
Happy New Year and God Bless!
