Use ‘CURIOSITY QUESTIONS” with your children ❓❓

Curiosity questions are not asking kids about what their favourite ice cream flavour is as you can imagine, it’s actually one of the most useful tools used in Positive Discipline.

When kids “misbehave”, adults get frustrated for whatever reason and normally blame, shame or punish kids, but instead of doing that, you can use Curiosity questions, which invite children to think and choose, focusing on solutions to the problem instead of focusing on consequences. They tend to be used with children from 3 years of age approx. as they are mature enough to start reasoning more.

When children hear a respectful question instead of a command, a signal is sent to the brain to search for an answer. In the process they feel capable and are more likely to cooperate because they have to think now of a solution to the situation, whatever that might be.

Ok, but when and why would I need to use these with my children then?

Imagine Mary, a 3,5 year old, has just spilled her milk all over the floor that her mum just cleaned. This situation frustrates Mary’s mum a lot, one because she’s tired, and second because she just cleaned the floor! So she tells Mary off and blames her:

“Careful! You always spill it because you don’t look at what you’re doing Mary!”.

Here, the mum literally blamed Mary, instead of understanding that maybe she is not mastering her fine motor skills yet, or maybe it was just an accident, just like it can happen to an adult! I am sure that if Mary’s mum had a guest that spilled a drink, she would have being understanding instead of blaming the guess. So, why do we do this with our own kids??

Blaming, shaming, insulting and other ways of punishment make kids and adults feel bad! So why would we use those approaches to educate? Well, because they have a quick effect, but adults don’t think on the long terms effects of this approach. In reality, it affects our self-esteems and confidence deep down, it makes kids believe that they are bad, or that they can’t do things on their own so may as well not try anymore… so, is this negative approach actually teaching something? I don’t think so.

Instead of blaming and shaming Mary, what she could have done instead is use curiosity questions:

“Oops, what do you think made that happen Mary?” “What can you use to clean it up?”

Notice here that straight away the mum wouldn’t be blaming her or making her feel bad. Instead, Mary’s brain is searching for an answer and a solution to the situation. Also, this positive approach is making Mary responsible for her own actions, it is promoting problem solving and is also making her feel independence and capable of doing things on her own. Isn’t that cool?

(Have in mind that cooling off is necessary before any problem solving and finding solutions, because when we are angry, we go to our primitive brains, when the only option is fight and flight and we can’t think properly, so it’s a good idea to take a breath or a little break if possible so we can have our rational brain available. Also teaching kids about this with a Positive Time Out can be an amazing resource for them to start managing their emotions, but you need to be the one that knows how to do it first though!)

As you can see, the curiosity questions on the example started with “what”, and they can also start with “how”, or “which.” “Why” can also work if you are truly curious, instead of sounding accusatory.

A few things to consider here are:

• Curiosity questions are not a magic pill or a one-time thing that will get rid of all your problems straight away. It’s a tool that needs to be used in a consistent way, followed by a respectful discipline all together. Asking a question but still blaming kids like “What the hell are you doing Mary!” makes no sense… so it is important that we know about the Positive Discipline philosophy in general so we can complement these tools smoothly.
• Maybe the mum could have cleaned when you she knows that Mary is not about to have food around. She can clean after instead of getting mad, because she should know that with kids things get messy :)

What about if I have a toddler younger than 3?

Some generic procedures you can use when the younger ones (younger than 3) do certain undesirable behaviours like pouring sand on their hair (and we can’t reason with them because they are too young or might have language processing problems), is two things:

- Just acknowledging what they might be trying to do and use redirection to something else: “right, it seems that were trying to pour yourself some milk and it spilled. Let’s go and clean it off”.

You can even ask them if they want to clean up themselves if they can, so they start taking responsibility from their own actions. Although if they are not used to collaborate at home, their answer will probably be “no” and they might run away. So that’s why it is recommended to be consistent with these tools and live under a Positive Discipline lifestyle in general, so kids are used to it and know what to expect from you.

• Or you can ask simple questions giving them choice:
• Did you want _____ or _____ to happen?
• Were you trying to do _____ or _____?
• Should we use _____ or _____ to clean this?
• What could you try next: _____ or _____?

Watch out with this curiosity questions!

In situations that are emotionally loaded, adults are often not asking kids with genuine curiosity. Teachers or parents who ask “Why did you knock over his tower?!” (often accompanied by the unspoken “again” and sounding accusatory) are not in truth asking anything. The translation, which kids understand very clearly, is “I can’t believe you did that! Again!” Since this is not an actual question, kids usually either don’t reply or say “I don’t know” because they’re scared. It does not lead to helpful problem solving.

Asking why is effective only if you are truly curious about the child’s answer :)

EXAMPLE OF CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

(Extracted from Positive Discipline for Early Childhood Educators
By Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, Steven Foster)

• “I notice that____________” (To introduce the challenge)
• What happened?
• What did you want?
• “How did you feel about that?”
• “What were you trying to do?”
• “What do you think made that happen?”
• “What ideas do you have for solving this problem?”
• “Which of these two choices would you like to try?”
• “What can you do next time?”
• How could you try that another way?
• What was your idea for …?
• How could I help you?
• What’s your understanding of …?
• How could you ask for that differently?
• What’s your plan for …?
• How could you make that happen?
• What needs to happen first?
• How could you speak to her in a different way?

I hope you found this post useful and if you have any questions or an opinion, don’t hesitate to leave a comment below!

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