I’m Thinner. And I’m Not Happier.
I convinced myself that if I made myself smaller, there would be less of me to hurt. Taking up less space would mean I’d be less noticeable. I fantasized about shrinking myself down and disappearing. And so it was decided. The key to happiness was thinness.
I gave birth to my daughter in July 2019 and one of my first thoughts was about weight loss. I was desperately unhappy and developed postnatal depression. Although my postpartum body wasn’t responsible for this, it was the only thing I could control in the midst of the unpredictability of motherhood.
I was diagnosed as being Pre-Diabetic and advised to go on a low sugar diet. This started off healthily, but then I got a taste for restriction. I liked having an excuse to refuse certain foods. Then I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I had to restrict my dietary options even further. It was perfect. Until I started to reach the point of no amount of weight loss being enough.
“Nine months on. Nine months off.”
This is a common expression said to new moms. The intention is to be supportive. It took nine months to gain the weight, so you can’t expect to lose it overnight. I heard this expression a few times and I couldn’t let go of the number nine.
