Protecting My Energy

Learning to empower instead of enabling

Kayla Douglas
Oct 21, 2019 · 4 min read
Photo by Freshh Connection on Unsplash

The phone rings, and I feel obligated to answer. Cindy, a new acquaintance, is hysterical on the other end. I drop everything I’m doing to rush to her apartment. I need to make sure the assignment she was working on is still somewhere on her computer.

The deadline is tomorrow, and she doesn’t know what happened to it. Luckily, I’m a computer whiz and must have bragged about it while making small talk the first time I met Cindy.

After rushing out of my house to put out the fire, I return home exhausted. Her nervous energy and panic were all it took to drain my reserves, and even though I had my own paper to write, I curl up on the couch for a recharge nap.

What was wrong in this situation?

My self-worth was tied up with “helping” people. However, now I see that it wasn’t helpful. People came to me to solve their problems for them or dump their feelings when they needed to talk. I thought I was doing what a good friend does.

In a way, that wasn’t far from the truth. But by solving people’s problems for them, I was letting them believe they couldn’t do it for themselves. I was sweeping in to save the day with some hero complex instead of empowering them to solve their problems. I enabled them to hand over responsibility for their problems, to me. That one was a small example — a manageable one.

Setting Boundaries

If Cindy called me today, I would use my active listening skills to understand what was making her hysterical. There were probably more emotions trapped underneath the fear of the lost assignment that she could let out. Once I helped her calm down, and clear her head, I might probe around the computer issue and offer some help over the phone. I would remain calm, and most likely, once she was also in a better state of mind, she would find the lost file herself.

Giving endlessly is selfish. It was hard for me to see this at first. When I’m ‘doing things for others,’ understanding my intention is essential. On the surface, my purpose is to help, but underneath I often wanted the gratification of making a difference or of changing or fixing something FOR them instead of them doing it for themselves. It may seem like a small distinction, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s incredibly important. Mostly I was doing all of those things for myself under the ruse of helping others, which I see as more harmful than not helping.

Taking Care of Myself First

As the self-love movement has made clear, when the plane is going down, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you move to help those around you. You need to take care of yourself first, so you are the best version of yourself before you go around offering help. The help you can give when you are drowning is not near as useful as what you can provide when you are floating on top of the water.

Setting time for yourself to recharge is an integral part of self-care. This may include taking care of your physical body with manicures or facials or whatever you enjoy. Or it could mean taking care of your emotional or spiritual side with meditation, journaling, or any grounding practice you use to recharge. There is no right way. Try out different things to make sure you are really getting what you need and not just listening to what society says you should be doing.

Above all, learn to put yourself first. You deserve it. You deserve you.

inkMend

inkMend is a writer’s safe space on Medium to express…

Kayla Douglas

Written by

Life Coach, author, lifelong learner, travel enthusiast, narcolepsy advocate, living in Myanmar, she/her https://www.kaylamdouglas.com

inkMend

inkMend

inkMend is a writer’s safe space on Medium to express experience with pain and write to heal from trauma. Inspired fiction, poetry, and non-fiction/memoir welcome.

Kayla Douglas

Written by

Life Coach, author, lifelong learner, travel enthusiast, narcolepsy advocate, living in Myanmar, she/her https://www.kaylamdouglas.com

inkMend

inkMend

inkMend is a writer’s safe space on Medium to express experience with pain and write to heal from trauma. Inspired fiction, poetry, and non-fiction/memoir welcome.

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