The End
“I see an end coming”.
She didn’t know the time or the date or the week or the month. But she saw an end coming.
It was one of those days when she felt like writing a strong worded letter to happiness. She wants to be happy. Of course, she does. She is happy. But sometimes, happiness is given to us in large undeserving amounts, only for it to be snatched away exactly when it hurts the most.
“Has anybody figured out how this works?” She always wondered. What is the purpose of it all? Of being happy. Of falling in love. Of caring for another. Of feeling on top of the world?… If it is only going to bring you toppling down when you least see it coming.
But she got you there, Universe.
She saw it coming. Oh, she knew it all, right from the beginning. She hesitated and restricted herself and wavered it all she could. But she finally jumped in. Head first. And before she knew it… she built her home and placed her pedestal and gave it everything she could. All the while knowing that it would all be taken away from her mercilessly, one day.
Good things fall apart. They always do.
And love? Oh come on, Love is never enough. Sometimes, nothing is ever enough. Sometimes people are just not meant to be together. It can be the best thing that has ever happened to you yet. It can be everything that made you feel overwhelmed, happy, loved, and content. But every good thing comes to an end. And we can cry out loud and curse the stars, but it is what it is.
She had always learnt life through movies. Now for once, her life helped her understand movies better. She understood why Joel and Clementine wanted to erase their memories. Erasing him, would it make her happier?
She understood what Celine meant when she told Jesse that you lose a part of yourself with everyone that ever leaves. The part of herself she would lose with him; would she ever get it back?
She felt it when Mia told Sebastian she’d always love him. Would she ever stop loving him?
The journey of letting go can be complicated. There are days when you wake up and know you are going to be okay. When you are just grateful that it ever happened. Because it came to you when you had buried the idea of love and companionship. And even in its absence, you would continue to believe in it. But there are also days, when you sob uncontrollably during the video call with him. When you are scared you’d spent the coming years desperately trying to fill the void he left behind.
He says, “You’ll always be special”. She wished she had the courage to say the same back without fearing tears. But he knew it. He was secretly afraid of it. What if she could never let go?
What do you do when you see an end coming? Do you run away and hide and live in denial? Or do you face it head on, ready to face the consequences?
It broke her enough to stay wide awake all night. Squirming into a fetal position to stifle the loud sobs. But it didn’t break her enough to not function throughout the day smiling and laughing. It was enough for her to have sunken insides when she realized he’d cope without her. But not enough to not wish him true love and happiness all his life. Enough to flinch at the sight of a happy couple who made it. But not enough to write away love and romance forever from her life.
Because she knew… “it is the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me yet”.
What do you do when you see an end coming? Do you hold on and enjoy it while it lasts? Or do you let go and save yourself from the escalating pain? Would it hurt lesser if she let go today than a month from now? Or would she be happier that she stuck with it a month longer?
She always wanted straight answers to complicated questions. She always wanted the easier way out from pain.
But all we have are moments.
And she knew all she had with him were moments. Fleeting moments of happiness. Laughter. Tears. Heartbreak. Togetherness. Betrayal. Fear. Love. Euphoria. Memories.
“All we had were moments”.
She had always had a tough time letting go off her past. She knew she’d have to hate him. Hate the situation. Curse the universe. Recall everything that went wrong. Maybe that’d make it easier.
But all she recalled were gratitude and happiness. Happiness on finding the hand that pulled her out of the ice-cold water when she didn’t ask for it.
Good things came back to you. He came back to her. She had surprised herself with how much she could love, care, and wish for another’s happiness. How she could break down crying and not breathe and be anxious before him, all of it without instinctively masking it like she always did before others. That was new to her — being utterly vulnerable with another person. It felt like something from her previous life, a forgotten habit. But the moment she began doing it with him. She noticed that it came so naturally to her.
“All we had were moments”.
Everyone always said she was too much. Felt too much. Thought too much. Spoke too much. Hurt too much. Loved too much. When it came to him, all of them were true. She did feel too much. So much so that she could feel it searing on her skin. That it brought her to her knees. She could feel it in her bones when she missed him. She felt it all in her body. She could feel it in his “make me proud” instead of “good luck” as if she was one of his own. She felt it every time he tried to make her laugh when he sensed she was low. She felt it every time he pulled her leg but called her smart like he was proud of her. She felt it in every nick name he made up for her while he started off hating nicknames, in general. She felt it every time they kissed like all they ever wanted were each other. She felt it every single day… when he’d always end the day by talking to her, always making sure he heard all about her day.
All they had were moments. Moments that left her wanting more, it left her yearning for it to go on forever, making her wish and pray that she’d one day, be able to withstand the pain of losing him. Losing the moments. Losing the chance to make more memories.
What do you do when you see an end coming?
Exactly what you do when you see a storm coming. You prepare yourself, gather your resources, and you face it. Because after every storm, the sunshine is promised to you.
