Getting to Grips with Chemo, Through List-making

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I have stage IV lung cancer. Even though chemo is the classical cancer treatment everyone knows about, I managed to avoid it for over a year with TKI medication. However, this June, the time finally came when I decided with my oncologist to undergo chemo. Chemo is fucking scary. But if there’s one thing that can help me deal with it, it’s lists.

I love lists. They are simple, clean, structured. They are an easy way for me to put on the page the fuzzy thoughts in my head.

So I wrote the following lists to help me put things in perspective and be less scared of chemo.

List of things that I’ve been through which are (probably) worse than chemo:

• Period cramps
• Waxing my body hair
• Laser treatments on my face
• My mom dying
• My dad dying
• Being stung by a wasp
• Getting my finger stuck on a door
• Spending a night in the freezing cold
• Living without internet

List of things that I HAVEN’T been through which are (probably) worse than chemo:

• Being in prison
• Being raped
• Being in war
• Being tortured
• Starving
• Being thirsty

List of good / not so bad things about losing my hair:

• My friends will still love me just the same
• Matching with my partner Matthias, who is also bald
• My cats won’t notice
• Wearing colorful hats and headscarves and wigs
• Bad guys won’t be able to pull my hair to hurt me
• Experiencing going about the world looking different — just like a lot of people do
• Saving time in the shower
• Saving money on the hair loss medication and hairdresser and shampoo
• Losing body hair — if I’m lucky, I won’t have hairy legs or a beard anymore; even if I do, the baldness is more distracting
• Looking like a badass who doesn’t care and still lives her life no matter what

All the things I can be grateful for at this moment:

• Being here, right now
• Breathing without coughing
• Being able to sleep through the night
• Not having to worry about money
• Eating Gu caramel chocolate dessert
• Drinking citrus green tea
• Smelling roses
• Watching baby ducks
• Being strong and healthy (except for cancer)
• Being funny
• Being creative
• Being loved

Note: If you want to know about the type of cancer I have and other fun facts, you can read more about that here. And here you can read the story of my diagnosis.

Do you have a story about a health condition or medical procedure? One of those you tell people at parties, and everyone bursts out laughing at your misfortune? Or maybe one of those you’ve never shared with fear of being a downer? We would love to hear it! Contribute to Innards, and join the team.