You’re not the boss of me
Why ‘bitch’ and ‘bossy’ aren’t bad words
Yesterday, on my 24th birthday, I received this awesome card from my awesome coworker Lindsey.
The caption comes from an SNL Weekend Update sketch written by another awesome woman, my number one role model Tina Fey (ok, maybe she’s tied with Beyoncé). Fey and her BFF and frequent collaborator Amy Poehler were anchoring a special “women’s news” segment of Weekend Update that ended with commentary on the inherent “bitchiness” of then-presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. You can watch the whole sketch here and read about its development in Fey’s book “Bossypants” (I strongly recommend you do both), but the gist is this: maybe the media is right to label Clinton as a bitch. What’s wrong with that? Fey labels herself as a bitch and calls Poehler one too. And that’s ok, because you know what, reader? BITCHES GET STUFF DONE.
Bitch is technically a derogatory term, I’ll admit. But, at this point, fighting the battle against men calling women bitches is almost completely futile. If bitch means a bossy, domineering woman, then fine. If bitch means a woman who speaks her mind, also fine. If bitch means a woman who has found success where the person calling her a bitch has not, then even better. In this context, being a bitch is an awesome thing. A bitch has power and status and control. Being selectively bitchy gets a woman ahead in a way that being a quiet, obedient flower just won’t. So fine, call me a bitch. I’m not saying it won’t hurt my feelings, but it’s not going to ruin my day. Being labeled as a bitch puts me in pretty fantastic company.
This discussion of the word bitch obviously has a lot in common with Sheryl Sandberg’s “ban bossy” campaign. Sandberg has teamed up with a bunch of celebs, including my beloved Queen B, to ban the word bossy with the slogan “I’m not bossy; I’m the boss.” Again, I’m not really sure what value this argument against a word has. Just as people will always label women as bitches, bossy isn’t an adjective that’s going anywhere. Leading a symbolic campaign against the word bossy isn’t going to lead to more women holding traditionally male roles. Because guess what? Women and girls have to be bossy to get into those roles. No president was ever elected because he sat back and let others do the talking for him; CEOs are not appointed because they seem like a really nice guy; employees are not promoted to executive positions because they avoid telling others what to do. Being bossy is part of being successful.
Reclaiming negatively connoted words isn’t a new tactic. The black and gay communities have done it (being a member of neither of these communities, I can’t comment on the success of these moves). Bitch has been significantly redefined in the past few years. When Fey and Poehler sat at the Weekend Update desk in 2008, it was before every rapper wanted a bad bitch. (Examples here, here and here. Explicit content, duh.) Urban Dictionary defines bad bitch in the most delightful way possible: “totally mentally gifted and usually also fine as hell.” Detractors of this phrase say that the hip hop game is known for subjecting women to treatment as objects (and I don’t disagree with this assessment) and that bad bitch is just another example of this subjugation. I disagree. A bad bitch is the whole package: a woman that can take charge, be smart and successful and look damn fine while doing it. And she’s probably a little bit bossy. Based on definition alone, aspiring to be a bad bitch isn’t a terrible thing.
I will not go as far as to say all women should aspire to be bad bitches. I won’t even go as far to say that all women should do anything. I’m not your boss, lady. I am bossy, though, and sometimes I’m a bitch. What of it?
