I CREATE MY REALITY
The shift from 2022 to 2023 revealed this to me on a profound level.
I find myself amidst the Earthdance New Years contact improv jam, a six-day immersion in dance and play amidst the wilderness, now attending for the third consecutive year. Despite my familiarity with the event, this time feels different. Two days have passed, yet for the first time, I sense a disconnection from the collective energy. I’m unable to seamlessly meld into the enchanting rhythm of contact dance, to forge connections with fellow participants, or to fully embrace the vibrant essence of the natural surroundings.
I am even struggling to go dance!!!
What is going on?!
It must be the people right? It doesn’t quite match up to the wonder I experienced last time I visited.
No that can’t be it, I know a good number of the participants and they are extraordinary.
It must be because of the pandemic!! Being in a crowd of 125 people feels unfamiliar and unsettling now.
Wait, is that really true? I’ve attended festivals and numerous gatherings since then, and I’ve felt quite good.
Why is this happening? Did I do something wrong? This was supposed to be an incredible experience.
Hold on…let’s slow down…
…there’s something I’m reluctant to acknowledge. What is it?
𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞?
“I’m angry”
OH!
I took this information in, delved deep within myself, supported by the unwavering presence of my partner, and embarked on a profound journey of self-discovery. As layers peeled away, revealing the true essence of the matter, I could sense my energy field pushing outward. Like a bubble that kept expanding to keep everyone out.
Oh wow, I don’t want people to get close to me! I’m scared.
I couldn’t quite pinpoint the source of my fear, so I made a conscious choice to fully embrace and express my emotions, without self-judgment or criticism.
“Go away. Stay away! I don’t want you near me. GO! GO!”
I repeated this with full on gestures until I could feel the full truth take over my body. It led me to reconnect with my inner child, aged around 7 or 8, who was filled with fear. Instantly, tears welled up, and I began to sob uncontrollably. My partner held me.
I couldn’t quite connect with the specific details of the childhood event that sparked this fear, and that’s perfectly alright. What truly matters now is my ability to embrace my younger self, in the present moment. I can fully welcome her, allowing her to express and process her emotions. I reassure her that I am here for her, acknowledging what she’s been through, and affirming that we’ve both grown through it. Together, we acknowledge that we’re no longer stuck in that same situation.
I was amazed by how light I felt after acknowledging my truth — this part of me that wanted to stay separate. It’s always such a delightful surprise when I rediscover that I am not a victim — that 𝐈 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲.
What’s both captivating and challenging is our unconscious inclination to shield ourselves from past hurt, yet paradoxically, this often leads to prolonged suffering.
It requires some training, support and a lot of self-awareness to dive into these places with care and compassion.
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨 𝐰𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
*****
The magic that transpired after embracing the unconscious truth is beyond words.
𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐝, 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐝, and 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐝.
I was unexpectedly invited to join a 5-part harmony, and it was both terrifying and exhilarating!
I am so grateful for this lesson and for this learned wisdom.
*****
Inner Fire Women — Giving & Receiving
Photo credit : @Feu Forest.
