The Wound Of The Heart
One evening, I returned home from offering one of my events depleted and discouraged. Nothing terrible had happened, a few glitches but nothing so awful that could validate the depth of the sadness and anger I carried.
As I sat on the floor and felt the discomfort in my body, emotions erupted; all contributing to the realization of the depth in which I, more often then not, unconsciously cut myself off from feeling pleasure & joy when I facilitate.
“𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇”, I finally acknowledged. No one else is stopping me from having pleasure. No one is attacking me. And no one is demanding that I be perfect.
I had made contact with this place before but not to the degree that I did that night. I sobbed, raged and grieved all the moments, since childhood, where I refused to allow myself to relax and receive because it felt dangerous in my body.
This young place in me remembers the shock and hurt of being shamed and rejected. This young place is fighting tooth and nail to protect me. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 — 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 & 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐣𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐲𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬.
For some of us, being in pleasure & receiving openly from a place of “giving of ourselves” is threatening. 𝐖𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞. In order to avoid going back there we close off our hearts as protection, restrict our breathing, increase the pressure to be “perfect” and disregard reality.
In these moments we deprive ourselves of the blissful flow of giving and receiving. The flow in which 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐜. Where expectation is none other than being present to what is.
𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒉𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒏. I will without a doubt reproduce this situation since the wound is so profound. However, with this new awareness and with my willingness to liberate myself, the moment I realize that I am closing off my heart to myself I will make the choice to surrender to the unknown and choose again. Choose the moment. Choose my wellbeing. 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬.
In February I am offering an Inner Fire Women’s retreat where we will explore 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 as well as all the ways we stop ourselves from being in the flow by forcing, taking, avoiding, shutting down, etc,.
This is not your average wellness retreat. It is a powerful container that will shake you up, invite courage, ask that you stand in your truth and then 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐚𝐫𝐞.
