Why Domestic Abuse Victims Don’t Always Dial 999
It’s with a bit of frustration that I come to the keyboard today, having to read false narratives about the victims of domestic abuse on social media. You see the thing is that when I write about Family Court Reform, I write it having had the experience of being a victim twice over of domestic abuse, coupled with the experience of travelling around the UK helping other victims as a McKenzie Friend. So when I get accused of “Waffle without substance”, or get told “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, it really does frustrate me, because if there is anyone out there who does understand domestic abuse and family court then am I right in assuming that I’m such a person?
Let us start off with the big question, “If someone goes to family court and there are no police reports, then it didn’t really happen did it?” If I had a pound for every barrister or solicitor who said that to a judge or magistrate, or someone on social media who has that view then I would be a rich man. Let me explain to those who think the above is a valid point (and I’ll use my own experience to explain this); When I was woken up from my sleep at 2am by my partner who’d nipped out for a quick drink at 6pm, and been shouted at for not having her some food ready, then when I get out of bed, it’s not quick enough so I get pinned up against the wall, spat at and then punched in the face, my initial thoughts are fear so I do as I’m told, I don’t dial 999 whilst she’s watching every move I make. Then the next day I don’t dial 999 because she’s worn me down so much that I think if I get the police involved things will get worse for me or I’d end up homeless (because I would’ve been too weak and scared to fight over who had the right to live at the house). Then later on that day after the night before she tells me how sorry she is and it’ll never happen again, despite the fact she’s said that many times before I believe her. Plus, there’s the simple fact that I’m too weak. thick and stupid to be on my own, I need her, or so I believe. Why do I believe something so ridiculous? Because she’s worn me down mentally too and I can look back now and realise how I was strong, and I didn’t need her. That played out on a regular basis like a merry-go-round, until I finally found the guts to leave her for good. So, why don’t victims of domestic abuse dial 999? (Fortunately, I didn’t have children with her, she actually had an abortion behind my back)
Let me move forward 15 years to another relationship, having had an 11 year long marriage in between that sadly broke down. In that marriage we had two beautiful children who I see all the time and the mother and I have a great friendship, doing shopping for each other, sharing everything. We were better as friends and we are both happy with that, but there was no domestic abuse, and we did love each other and care for each other. However, in 2015 a year after I split up from my wife I met someone else, at a Halloween party (that should’ve been a sign). In this relationship I actually did call the police a couple of times, once when she threw a Henry hoover down the stairs at me when I was trying to leave, and another occasion when she was threatening to throw my laptop out of the bedroom window if I tried to leave. In between these occasions I was treated like crap, she made me believe I was worthless again, she would tell me I was rubbish at everything. She had three children whom I bought up, I was taking them to school, collecting them, making their tea, sorting out homework, whilst she stayed in bed playing on the Xbox or watching TV. On the rare occasion she did get up and about she would blackmail me. I was working full time (remotely on the road) but had to sneak away to collect the children at 3.15 every day, if I refused then she’d threaten me, on one occasion I couldn’t get away as I had a meeting so she rang my boss and lied to them about me, telling them that I hardly did any work at all and used to sneak off all the time (not mentioning the amount of times she forced me to sneak off work of course). I was controlled by her, she got me to a stage where I couldn’t have any friends because she would not allow me to go anywhere, always accusing me of having an affair. She would monitor my phone, whilst I was asleep, she used to sit at home and note how many times it said I was active on Facebook messenger, then question me when I got home from work. The issue was that my phone would sometimes make it seem as if I was active when I wasn’t (that happens, just be wary of that one). She would make me do whatever she wanted, I thought I had found love again, but I couldn’t understand why she was so controlling, I thought that perhaps this was normal, and my 11-year peaceful marriage was a fluke, a one off. Why didn’t I call the police more, well because I believed her behavior was normal based on my relationship 15 years earlier. (I was again lucky because I didn’t have any children with her.)
So why don’t the abused call 999? Why is there a lack of police evidence in Family Court? It’s because people are scared, it’s because as victims we believe their apologies, we believe it won’t happen again. We often don’t think we can live without them. We are controlled by them, just like a TV remote controls a TV, an abuser can control a victim. So, when someone says that things should be 50:50 shared care just because the police weren’t called, that is just ignorance of what is really going on. A victim of domestic abuse often tells no one until it goes to court, so a Finding of Fact hearing should always be conducted when there are allegations of domestic abuse, it should be automatic and not down to the discretion of a court legal advisor who conducts the FHDRA hearing. Police evidence isn’t everything, because more often than not there’ll be next to no police involvement. In my case there was no involvement by the authorities in the first abusive relationship despite constant beatings and one attempted murder when she held a knife to my throat and told me I was about to die. Then in the 2nd abusive relationship that was more mental abuse than physical (despite a Henry Hoover attack — yes, I know some of you may laugh at that one, I almost laugh myself when I think back to it), I did call the police twice but that was more for help to leave when she was blocking doorways to stop me leaving. I’m lucky that I didn’t need family court because we had no children, but as a McKenzie Friend I have seen similar to the above over and over again. I know that these people aren’t lying, they tell stories that are similar to mine, I can hear it in their voice when they are telling me.
So, as a question to all those who think that if there is no police evidence, the judges and magistrates should automatically go 50:50, ripping children away from a loving home and placing them with an abuser for 50% of the time, is a good idea, why is it such a good idea? What risk is there giving an abuser 50% of the care of a child? It can’t all be about police evidence, it really can’t. I’ve opened up here and told you my stories, I’ve tried to make it clear why victims of abuse don’t automatically call the police. Finding of Fact hearings are so important in Family Law cases which include children. At the end of the day if you didn’t abuse your partner then you’ll not be afraid to answer questions in a fact find will you? We’ve got to protect our children from abusers. Do you think an abuser just abuses one person and then calms down and never abuses anyone else? If you believe that then you’re ignorant to the truth.
Before I finish, I am a man abused by two women, but I am well aware that abuse goes on and is committed by all genders. Figures show that women are abused by men more than any other gender, but the numbers of men who admit to being abused is likely a lot more than is known, it took me a long while to tell anyone about it. Often men are too ashamed to admit it. However, I can’t give you accurate figures, so I’ll have to go with what we do know, but every case is individual, so no assumptions should be made, this is why a Finding of Fact hearing is essential.
I laid my life bare just to answer this question. Surely now there is no doubt at all.
