Bitter anguish, deep-seated inner annomosity.

Get away, you have governed for too long!

I Revolt!

My brand new cabinet all burned up after the fire. I'm sitting in a huge dumpster in my driveway, trying to salvage what's left after my house burned down . Photo by me.

Enjoy life’s sweet Melody and let go of that which has crippled and sliced for so long.

Run, be free, play, and sing. My life, my choice.

But I can’t live in Two Worlds so I must choose….

One world I am so familiar with and the other world foreign and unknown.

I’ve heard people brag about a lifestyle of freedom and joy.

One that’s full of clear, level talking people who do what they say and say what they do. Where families sit down and have dinners together and talk about their days, but I’ve never personally experienced anything like that.

I don’t like my familiar life of pain, sorrow, shame, guilt, and nightmares, but I am familiar with it. I do understand the language, I know how to survive in it, I know how to actually flourish in it even, and I know it’s real, whereas the other world sounds wonderful, but is it real, or is it a trap?

Can this new unfamiliar life be fake and take me to a worse place than I’m already in?

I’m told to have faith and I do, it’s just probably not the way it’s supposed to be. I have faith that I’m going to screw things up. I have faith that God’s going to figure out how to make it better and use it to help me and or somebody else.

Either way, I still end up kind of sitting in my own funk watching other people have that happy life, which is okay, I’m not complaining. Honestly, I really do enjoy watching other people be happy and full of glee.

I’m OK, watching is at least better than TV, and it gives me hope for later in my life when it might be my turn .

Besides, I mean, I can’t miss what I never had, right? At least that’s what I thought, but it turns out it’s not true.

I just have to learn to have real faith that I belong in whichever world I choose and that I’m not a victim. I am a warrior with a choice to make.

All I know is, I don’t know!

I choose …. I choose …..I must choose…… CHANGE!

So I made my choice but I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know which direction to go.

I do know if I do the next right thing moment after moment that it will lead me to a destination that will make me happy. I’m doing it And have decided to not look back.