About the Time I Bought Myself the Greatest Gift: Time
Hello! My name is Antonella Scaravilli (OK, it’s actually longer, but that’s how you can find me on LinkedIn) and I’m a QA Engineer at Wallapop. I have anxiety, and last year I struggled to stay afloat. This wasn’t my first rodeo; I have had burnout a couple of times in the past. However, this time, adulting became overwhelming. Breathing stopped being a reflex. Brain fog invaded my life, and my doctor prescribed indefinite sick leave (I have a diagnosis, but I’ll keep that to myself). My first reaction? “I’m failing my team!”.
At first, I felt incredibly guilty about my sick leave, but fortunately, I had a wonderful therapist metaphorically holding my hand and reminding me that time off isn’t necessarily something we earn; sometimes it’s something we need.
I wasn’t working during this time, and most of my time consisted of doing crafts, going to therapy (and doing homework!), and sometimes walking around Barcelona. Who would have thought that this sunny paradise also had broken people roaming its streets? (I’m being sarcastic, I know I’m not broken).
There was a programming bootcamp I had enrolled in and paid for (actually my company paid half of it! Shoutout to Wallapop’s learning budget!) sometime before my sick leave. The bootcamp was split into smaller, more digestible courses. I decided to give it a try, and much to my surprise, there was a part of my brain that needed some tickling, even when I was feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and a complete impostor in the tech industry. This bootcamp made me feel that I wasn’t as dumb as my anxiety was telling me I was, so after discussing it with the physician reviewing my case and after talking to my therapist and my husband, I decided to request four months of unpaid time off. This is a legal possibility in Spain (it’s called excedencia), and I’m very grateful for it. So I gave a talk about mental health (oh, the irony!) in September at TestBash Brighton 2024, and then my unpaid time off began.
My therapist and I agreed that in order to recover, I was to follow my interests. Anything that made me curious and made me feel happy to be alive was welcome. If I wanted to do crafts, that was great, and if I wanted to learn to code, that was also welcome. Honestly, I was surprised that my brain wasn’t as mushy as it felt. I had therapy homework, I had to leave the house and go for walks, I had to work on my crafts if that brought me joy and I also had to breathe. You might be wondering, “Don’t we all breathe by reflex?” Apparently, some of us don’t. Well, to put it more clearly, some of us don’t breathe deeply enough. Some of us breathe enough to stay alive but not enough to tell our bodies that we’re safe; there’s no mammoth chasing us. We are OK. So that’s how learning how to breathe properly became part of my routine.
What did I do during my four months? I started decluttering my home and my brain. I had weekly therapy sessions. I started posting YouTube videos only to learn how to edit. I started collaging. I took my self-paced SheCodes frontend web development bootcamp and I set myself an achievable goal: to finish the biggest chunk of the bootcamp (Web Development Advanced). Spoiler: I did it! I still have to finish the rest of the course, but that’s for future Antonella to work on.
Taking the time to check in with myself, my feelings, wants, and where my curiosity was leading me allowed me to feel like I was smart enough to learn to code. My confidence increased, and so did my tolerance to frustration, since coding seems to be a great teacher in that regard. Suddenly, I felt that everything I’ve learned throughout my career wasn’t in vain and that I do belong in the industry after all. I’m not here by mistake of all the people who interviewed me and the bosses I’ve had who supported me. I’m here because I want to be.
Four months went by really fast, and suddenly it was January 2025, and I had to go back to work (also, my bank account was begging me to!). I wish I had had more time to study. Also, my impulse is to say, “I wish I had organized myself better and pushed myself to study more and finish my bootcamp,” but the truth is, I gave my brain what it needed. It needed to rest and recover, above all, and I did achieve that. Not only that, I was able to stimulate it during this time off work. My flat is still a mess, but I’m healthy now, and I understand that my messy home doesn’t make me a waste of a human being (Yup! That’s one of the things my brain used to make me believe). Going back to work felt easy. Seeing my colleagues again made me smile, and even seeing the bright office with its beautiful pothos plants everywhere made me happy. I knew then that I had recovered because going back to work felt natural.
I can’t say I’ve conquered my impostor syndrome for good but my gift to myself definitely allowed me to show that constant inner critic who lives inside of me that, given the right conditions, I’m definitely capable of learning complex things and enjoying the process. Also, I’ve learned new skills that are actually allowing me to see things at work through a different lens.
I’m aware that I’m incredibly privileged for having been able to take time off work, but I spent my savings; that was the sacrifice I made. I chose to spend my money on allowing myself the greatest gift of all: to rest and heal. Was it a stupid move? Have I lost the chance to become a homeowner one day? Will these four months off and this article affect my ability to find a job in the future? I don’t know, but back then it definitely felt like the right thing to do and I deeply thank past me for making that hard decision. The future looks much brighter now that I have a clearer mind and some new skills under my belt.
