By Julia Naftulin
Before my husband and I got married, he had a nine-month affair with another woman.
When I found out and confronted him about it, he cried, told me he would never do it again, and begged me to stay with him. I did, and in December 2017 we got married.
Our marriage was going well, but then I found out he had a one-night stand with another woman, just six months after our wedding.
Just like when I caught him the first time, he cried and begged for me to not leave him. I’m not sure what to do, but I know I can’t forget his infidelity. Does our marriage have any hope?
- Mumbai
Dear Mumbai,
I’m sorry your husband betrayed your trust.
You don’t have to forget his infidelity. The real question here, if you truly want your marriage to work, is if you can ever forgive him for it.
I know it may sound ridiculous to forgive a cheater, but hear me out: Forgiveness is the only way to rebuild trust, the foundation of any healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship. Without it, sure, your marriage could survive. But would it be one worth staying in?
You don’t have to forgive your husband right off the bat, since he is the one at fault here. But instead of taking his tears at face-value, push him to explain why he cheated the two times he did.
Though cheating is never OK regardless of the reason, understanding why your husband was unfaithful will help you decide whether or not your marriage is worth your continued effort, Tammy Nelson, a psychotherapist and independent consultant for Ashley Madison, previously told me.
Maybe you’ll learn your husband cheated because he lacked self-confidence and the affairs made him feel more wanted, or that he felt lost and lonely and wanted an escape.
If you find his explanation genuine, see an inkling of hope, and want to push forward in your relationship, the next step is working together to rebuild trust, Nelson said. Without this step, you’ll likely end up back at square one.
“You can have a new relationship with that same person, but it has to be new. You have to draw a line in the sand and you have to start over from that point,” Nelson previously told me. “What are going to be the new requirements [of your relationship]? What are the new options? What are the new explicit assumptions that you’re both going to make about what this is going to look like?”
Nelson suggested seeing a couples therapist, who can help you and your husband pinpoint your physical and emotional needs, such as more quality time together, help around the house, or better communication skills. During this time, you should spell out to your husband how he can earn back your trust, which is his duty as a cheater.
But if you find yourself unable to forgive your husband even after understanding his affair motives and hearing how exactly he’ll do better, you might want to reconsider the relationship altogether.
It can be difficult to grapple with such a life-changing decision, but remember that there’s no right or wrong choice, only a choice that’s best for you and your needs.
As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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