By Rachel Hosie
Keys between the knuckles. Headphones out of your ears. Big coat to cover up. Sensible shoes. Phone ready to call a friend. Live location shared.
Heart pounding, avoiding eye contact, ready to run at any given second.
These are things every woman has to think about while walking alone at night. We are taught them from a young age. We’re told to act like we’re clinically insane if attacked by a man, to kick them in the balls, and to shout “fire” rather than rape “because we’re more likely to be taken seriously.”
We’re taught that all these things are just part of being female. And do you know what men are taught? Nothing.
I am never not scared when walking alone
Last week, 33-year-old Sarah Everard disappeared while walking home on an evening in south London. A police officer has been arrested on suspicion of murder and on Friday, investigators confirmed that human remains found in a wooded area were hers.
Sarah’s story is devastating, and it’s struck a chord with women not just in London but across the world. Indeed, a recent survey by UN Women UK found that 97% of women in the UK have been sexually harassed.
I, too, have had terrifying experiences with men on the street. I’m always scared while out alone, and it’s not a sentiment that’s reserved for nighttime too.
Sarah’s story reminds us that our fears aren’t unfounded.
Any time I see a man approach me, my heart starts to race. I always have my wits about me and am in fight-or-flight mode. I never fully exhale until I’m safely home with the door locked.
“Why don’t you get a cab?” people ask. First, cabs are expensive, and we shouldn’t have to. Secondly, I’ve never not felt afraid in a cab with a male driver, as the vast majority are, because of the terrible assaults I know that have happened to my loved ones and other women.
As a student, I used to run home from nights out.
Let that sink in for a moment. I ran home.My thinking was that I’d be harder for a man to grab — if I was already gone by the time he noticed me, I’d be a harder target.
I have always thought how “lucky” I am to be a 5'9" woman with a broad frame. Harder to pin down than a petite woman, I thought. Lucky me? It’s outrageous that these are things we have to think about.
The onus is always placed on women
Why is going home such a terrifying experience every single time? We should be able to walk home! But we can’t — not without fear anyway.
Women, take a moment to search “home” or “safely home” in your messages. You’ll be alarmed by how many times you’ve sent it. Because we are always scared for ourselves and our girlfriends.
The UN released a powerful video of women stating all the things they would do if they didn’t have to live in fear of men, with responses ranging from simply taking the train to going for a run “whenever I want to.”
Me? I’d wear the outfits I actually want to wear, the dresses and playsuits that make me feel amazing — well, while in the safety of my home. If I dare step outside in, say, a skirt or shorts, I resign myself to what I’ll have to endure: Leery stares, harassment, and thus more fear on my end.
I hate the fact that I even have thoughts like, “Ah, going out in dungarees, good, this isn’t a flattering outfit, it’ll be a more pleasant journey for me.”
We know it’s ‘not all men’
The past few days have seen an outpouring of emotion from women sharing their stories and talking about our reality. The reality that most men had no idea about.
It’s our reality, but we are exhausted by it. Why is the onus always on women? We already do everything we’re meant to, and we still get abducted, raped, killed, and harassed. It’s men who need to be educated and change our culture.
Yes, men have a biological, physical advantage over women which will mean there’s always a power imbalance, but the real problem stems from toxic masculinity. We know it’s “not all men.” No one is saying it is. But we don’t know which men it is, so we’re scared of you all. Not all sharks attack humans, but you don’t take the chance and stay in the sea if you see one.
The silence from most men over the past day or two has been deafening. As women have poured out their hearts, it’s felt a lot like shouting into the abyss. Yes, posting on social media can be performative and it’s not enough, but it at least makes us feel heard.
Please, men, listen. Do the simple things we’re asking: Cross the road when walking on the same street as a woman, keep your distance, don’t stare, shut down your mates when they make misogynistic comments, be an active bystander if you see a woman being made to feel uncomfortable by a man.
We are so angry, so exhausted, and so scared.
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