If it’s for you, it won’t go past you

Mary McKeone was a participant in the launch of the Insight Masters Class in Boston, held in the spring of 2015. Here is her wonderful story.

My process of deciding

The plane is taxiing down the runway from Heathrow’s Terminal 5. Too late now to change my mind so I settle into my seat and prepare for take-off. It is February 2015, and I am on a flight bound for Boston to take the first ever Insight Masters Class. For weeks, Boston has been snowbound and at a standstill. At times, as much as seven feet, if the newspapers are to be believed.

For weeks too, I have been immersed in an avalanche of fear. I wake up at night dripping in sweat. Not exactly unusual for a woman my age but I have never before experienced quite this level of anxiety. Lying awake in the early hours, I know, deep down, it’s about whether to do the Masters Class.

For two months, I prevaricate. I decide to do it then change my mind. Excuses present themselves as reasoned argument. I want to be a writer not a therapist or facilitator. To spend so much money especially given the debt we are in? Selfish or what? For that price we could have a family holiday. And a luxurious one at that! What about the house, the endless jobs that need doing? If only it was in London. But of course it isn’t!

Come early January, I become more convinced this is the course for me. I want to quit being a lawyer and establish myself as a writer. I want better relationships. Most of all, I want to know myself at a much deeper level. And yes, where there’s a will there’s a way: The money presents itself in the form of a loan. The refurbishments are put on hold and my husband rearranges his work schedule to accommodate me. I decide to go.

And yet, on the first morning of that first seminar, I am resistant and defensive. I find, like the narrator in Adrienne Rich’s poem Diving into the Wreck, that as I climb down the ladder: ‘there is no one/ to tell me when the ocean/ will begin.’ I am thrown back on trusting myself, something I have almost always, doubted. But such hesitancy doesn’t last. This after all is a Masters Class. Such is the energy in the room that within an hour my resistance has dissolved and I know why I have come:

…to explore the wreck…to see the damage that was done/and the treasures that prevail…the thing itself and not the myth.

This is no ordinary class

I discover, too, this is no ordinary class. The integrity of each person, as well as our willingness to give total heart felt support to each other, is absolute from the outset. What I learn is that the power of an aligned group is incredible. So much so, miracles can and do happen.

For me, the trust, compassion and understanding I receive throughout the three months is on a level I have never experienced before. And the desire of the group for each of us to succeed is so powerful it creates its own impetus. Through creative play, facilitated sharing, one to ones, and group work I begin to explore the shadows of dark and light who make me what I am. And I do it with a difference. Rather than digging back into old stories, ‘the book of myths’ Adrienne Rich talks about, I deal with past issues from where I am now. I learn new awareness about the impact of judgement. How it corrodes even the purest of intentions. I come to understand, more fully, how I decide to live my life is like looking through a telescope. At any time, I can look through the contracted or expanded lens: the choice is mine. And I can choose to change my lens. I can create a new paradigm. Although not necessarily easy, it is I realise, that simple.

The most profound learning

The most profound learning for me, turns out to be how crucial it is to have a relationship with my basic self, that childlike, playful, part of me which has been so ignored. At the root of what is missing, this lack of connection, is something so fundamental, so essential and yet it has escaped me, up to now. This knowledge which emerges is not mental, but an embodiment of the awareness. A knowing so deep within me, the change cannot fail to be other than cataclysmic. This knowledge, too, brings a long awaited emotional release which, although in some ways painful actually feels cathartic. It is time, I realise, to truly acquaint myself with ME.

It is a good note on which to end. And it is my birthday. I have ordered a cake to celebrate and everyone sings happy birthday. It is hard to believe that the eighty two days seminar is almost over and that everyday life is about to kick in. The ease, with which everything has flowed, is stunning. Much of that is down to the hard work of the facilitators and assistants behind the scenes but even personal issues have been managed with minimum fuss and no drama. Life, I realise again, really can be that simple.

There is new lightness

And now, a month on, the learning continues. Though life goes on mostly as before there is a new lightness. I feel more space internally and so much more accepting of who and what I am. The other day I notice how I am reacting less and a friend confirms, without prompting, how nice it is to be around me. I am writing too, with a new sense of purpose, with a connection of what it means and sounds to be me. And I am learning to take better care of myself. These changes may sound like small beer having travelled in the space of three months, six times across the Atlantic and back as well as spending a small fortune. Was it worth it? For me, unequivocally,’ yes.’ It is the tiny tweeks that make big changes and I am grateful to have had that opportunity. As I sit outside in the sun, typing this, I think of how my granny used to say:

If it’s for you it won’t go past you

I am so glad this Masters Class was ‘for me.’

The next Insight Masters Class will be held in Santa Monica, CA in fall 2019