Why I Choose to be Happy
My battle with chronic pain.
My story begins in 2006. I was a physically healthy, slim woman of 45. I hiked over a mile every day, faithfully; up and down hills at a local park. I was vegan, didn’t smoke cigarettes, and didn’t do drugs. I owned a small coffeehouse, and went to work every day; sometimes 7 days a week.
Unfortunately, I was completely stressed out and felt drained emotionally. I began to feel more and more stressed. People wanted too much of me. I was constantly hiding, in fear of having more asked of me. My personality was suffering. I had panic attacks and had to step outside the shop when we got busy. The noise in my head was overwhelmingly loud. The requests to do more seemed ridiculous. My husband and I began to argue frequently. We had no money, and no time for life. It literally sucked my happiness away. Something I thought would be wonderful, became financially and emotionally devastating.
Then came the pain. My joints began to hurt. I had a horrible stabbing pain in my right shoulder; as though I was being stabbed constantly with a hot poker. My right hand and arm became so weak, I could not even hold a pen or a fork. Pain would shoot up and down my right arm and into my hand from my shoulder. Repeated visits to the doctors turned up nothing. I heard all kinds of excuses, but was never given a solid diagnosis. Every one of them had a different opinion, even telling me it was all in my head. The symptoms progressed, and I was prescribed an obscene amount of pain pills and muscle relaxers to mask the pain. I was stuck lying flat in my bed, unable to move, except to turn my head to the right or to the left. I watched ungodly hours of television, I writhed in pain and cried. I paced the house in the middle of the night praying that my life would end. I literally hated life.
I finally woke up one morning and told my husband I wanted to die. This had been going on for three months straight. Life wasn’t worth living if I had to live in this horrendous pain for the rest of my life. I had few hours of relief, and was on enormous amounts of Oxycontin, Lortabs and Flexeril to take the edge off. My quality of life had withered. I now understood why people took their own lives.
On our anniversary that year, my husband talked me into going to dinner. I ate my pain pills and we were off to one of our favorite restaurants. I had given up any hope of ever feeling better. I chose to savor the moments I wasn’t in pain, and just be thankful for my sweet husband, my son, the few friends I had, and my loyal dog.
When we arrived at dinner, we ended up being waited on by an old acquaintance of mine from years back, that I knew through a friend. She could tell I wasn’t feeling well and she asked me what was going on. I usually didn’t discuss this, but for some reason, I felt compelled to tell her. She mentioned a natural pain clinic and told me I should call them, and explained how they had helped her. A chiropractor? I never thought to go to a chiropractor for this. I called and made an appointment.
Now I must mention; I had been seeking help for 3 years at this point. I had to sell my coffeehouse, and stop working. No one in the healthcare system looked at me with compassion all those 3 years. They never touched me, or showed me empathy. Being a total empath, this struck me as cruel and inhumane. But things were about to change. I met my chiropractor — Dr. Mitz. Within 20 minutes he and his staff had given me a thorough examination. I was in so much pain that day, it was all I could do to hold back the screams and tears. When he returned to my room after looking at my symptoms, he touched my shoulder, looked me right in the eye, and said —” I think we can help you.” I began to cry. He asked me if I was alright. I told him, in the 3 years since this had began, he was the first caregiver to show me compassion and touch me. I asked him if I could hug him. We hugged. For the first time in 3 years, I felt hopeful.
I have been going there faithfully for years now. I am not pain free. I live with pain every day, but I am off my pain pills. I have had relapses numerous times, and been down on my back for a week or so at a time. I have burning in my feet. I am stiff when I wake up for at least an hour.I am weak and cannot lift anything over ten pounds without hurting myself. I have muscle spasms all over my body at random times. I exercise by taking short walks with my dog, or doing Yoga at home. I gave up gluten, and I put myself on a Paleo diet.
I struggle everyday with this. I was recently given a solid diagnosis of fibromyalgia just days ago. But the one thing I know, is - Life is grand! We have choices here. After being in chronic pain for years, I have chosen to savor the beauty. I could be worse off than I am. I could be dying of cancer. I could be crippled and in a wheelchair.
I have it made. I have a beautiful home. A wonderful son and husband. My family loves me. I have true friends. I can still walk, and talk, and sing and create. I have a garden and chickens. I can see the beautiful sky everyday. I can hear the birds sing and listen to my favorite music. I can still learn things. I feel, I see, I hear, and my heart beats strong. I. AM.ALIVE.
This is my life. I accept the bad moments and savor the beautiful ones. Because we only live once, we have to grab those beautiful moments and stay in them. I hurt, it’s true. But I also choose to see past this pain. It will not defeat me. It will not steal my joy. I will seek new things, and I will dance until I drop.
I think it’s time to tell my friends, and hopefully they will understand. I will never be that physically healthy again, but I am here, and I am happy. Really, don’t feel sorry for me. Life is beautiful.
