one. the actualized self.
i never sought out to speak to the world... while at the same time secretly desiring to do just that.
maybe… ultimately… i’m simply trying to speak to myself, for myself?
i’ll be turning 30 in three months and i’ve had the not-so-sudden urge to become more honest and open with myself. i want this next version of my operating system to be the most authentic version; and for me, that means working on effectively communicating my thoughts, emotions, and truths. everything i held back on during my 20’s (i’m lowkey excited to be able to say “in my 20s,” lol).
cutting to the chase, i’ve lived most of my teenage and early adult life veiled behind an emotional wall. but that’s not to say I don’t feel emotions; quite the opposite, I think I feel every emotion. deeply; in fact, i’m very sensitive and emotionally perceptive.
the problem is, that operational process exists on my side of the wall and doesn’t translate well on the other side. i’ve been criticized for not expressing myself and coming off as distant, emotionless, non-communicative (that one more so misplaced introvertedness). but the overarching theme being, robotic… and that’s far from the actual “me.”
maybe i’m a failed turing-test robot?
i digress… i’ve let meaningful moments pass me by because of this. it ruined my only romantic relationship. it’s time to make the change.
“i can’t remember when it happened, this shift of emotional energy. this wall,” i lie to myself. of course i remember.
i had to have been just a junior in high-school. right in the thick of teen angst.
i remember coming home to the contents of said home on the street. i remember feeling confused and betrayed. i remember feeling alone, without a home, my family broken up. i wanted to cry at what was happening. maybe i did… it was too much confusion and uncertainty and emotion to put on a teen. i think it broke me.
for the sake of being strong on the exterior, i sacrificed the interior. i became more quiet and reserved, i didn’t express myself, call attention to myself. i would experience the world thru a wall i constructed to never feel hurt again…
for a while, that seemed to work. or at the least, i fooled myself into thinking that.
i never allowed myself to talk about my emotional state, so when in a relationship (a long distant one at that) that depended on that very thing, what seemed so obvious to me read as robotic to my ex. we didn’t make it.
it’s time to make the change. if for anything, for myself.
and i say this all to say, the last two years have been the most eye opening, life altering, years so far.
the hurt, confusion, tears, the laughter, friendships, discovery, the healing… growth can be a real cathartic experience and although I may not be 100% there, the wall is down.
i’ve been doing a better job at becoming emotionally articulate and I feel the path my actualized self is becoming clearer.
the wall is down for good!
</from b.> 9/16/16 @ 4:31am
