A Woman of Value

I am turning my back on external validation

I have been thinking about success.

One of the wonders of reaching middle-age is the clarity that comes with four decades of life experience. My life, I can see, has always followed a regular pattern. As a doer my natural inclination has always been to find a project, to throw myself headlong into it and to drive myself forward until I reach its satisfying conclusion. “It is done! Look what I have made! See what I have achieved!”.

Then, inevitably, I wallow in a phase of restless pause. My creative energy, without an outlet, builds up in waves of anxious tension. My mind, without a to-do list to focus on, runs riot.

My sense of worth — the joyous confidence that flows easily when I am working toward a purpose — fades into a nervous doubt.

The challenge with being a doer is that, at some stage, each of my projects comes to an end and I am left to reflect on the value it has added to my life — or others’ lives. Once completed, I am left with the uncomfortable, yet natural, task of deciding how “successful” my project has been.

And therein lies the struggle.

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” Albert Einstein

As I imagine most people do, I always begin a project with an end-goal in mind; an idea of what success would truly look like. And there have been times, particularly with more simple projects, that I have reached these goals.

But my experience of my grander schemes — those big, hairy, audacious dreams that draw upon the best of my creativity, and foster the greatest enthusiasm — well, they have often fallen just a little bit short of the ultimate goal.

In 2009, it was a television pilot. Without any prior experience, and with tons of universal support, I managed to create, produce and pitch a spiritual-themed talk show. I hosted and filmed a 30 minute show in front of a live audience, met with network executives and garnered interest from some very interesting people. But sponsorship was impossible to secure, and the idea fell dormant.

In 2012, with the help of some dear friends and colleagues, I created a not for profit organisation for the spiritual industry; a professional association that would attract and promote the most professional, most experienced, most well-meaning spiritual practitioners in the region. An assocation that people could trust — and that would help modernise and popularise spiritual modalities. After two years of struggle, it became clear that few in the industry were interested in being held to such standards, and the organisation was closed.

And now, after three years of procrastination, determination and creative inspiration, my book is finally complete. I have one thousand, beautifully designed paperbacks piled in my living room, and a growing fear inside that this, too, will be another dream that doesn’t quite pay off as I had hoped.

The trouble I see with success, and how we have been taught to measure it, is that it is based on the false assumption that life is ours to control, mold and bend to our will. We are — all of us — under the influence of a lie: that if we follow the right formula, say the right things, play the right game, then success must … MUST … come to us.

(We have been taught such a mechanistic view of life.)

And so I have been thinking about success.

Because, truly, we are unwise and unkind to ourselves when we measure success the way that we do — by counting Twitter followers, or bestsellers, or whether or not we win that job/role/romantic interest/client. Because every single one of these things relies on the actions and opinions of others — something we will never, ever be able to control.

Of course, the quest to fulfill this kind of success is what drives some of the unhealthiest (and strangest!) behaviors in society. Fear-mongering is used to win elections; shock tactics are employed to keep celebrities relevant and in the news; nepotism and bribery help the powerful win deals and jobs; social media followers are purchased by the tens of thousands in an attempt to appear successful.

As difficult as it will certainly be, is it time for us to learn another way of measuring our personal worth and success? And then, once we have learned it, can we each celebrate this new form of success in others and teach it to our children and loved ones?

“Your success can only ever be accurately based on those things that you are solely responsible for.”

Because, as I often say, the truth about life is that you are in charge but you are never, ever in control. And your success can only ever be accurately based on those things that you are solely responsible for. Your only authentic success arises from:

• How true you are to yourself
• How committed you are to yourself and your dreams
• How far you have been willing to step out of your comfort zone
• How fully you have been able to surrender
• How kind, compassionate and forgiving you have become
• How courageous you choose to be in the course of fulfilling your vision
• How often you recognize, encourage and celebrate the above traits in others

So, tonight I will shake my head at the piles of printed books in my living room, and I will meditate on the true success of my three-years of work. I have invested all of me into this book project; it comes from the heart and is a true expression of my creativity, my tenacity, my intelligence and my desire to empower and lift others.

I guess, at the end of the day, that is all the success I could ask for.

Kim Forrester is an award-winning author, educator and intuitive consultant with over 15 years’ experience as a professional intuitive and spiritual teacher. She combines cutting edge science with traditional spirituality to offer the latest understandings of psi, consciousness and holistic well being.