Being Right is Not the Answer

Do we want to be right? Or do we want to be good?

Admission time: I published a Medium article yesterday. It was an 800 word, emotion-filled, no-holds-barred missive on my idea of what it means to be a “snowflake”.

(As I pointed out in said article, I’m not actually a “snowflake”, if only for the reason that I don’t reside in the USA and am not part of that particular dialogue. But I do have views on what it means to be one.)

I believe the article took about two hours to write, and if my calculations are correct, it was live online for about two and a half minutes before I deleted it. Removed. Gone. Into the void forever.

Why?

Because, although it felt damn satisfying to voice my opinion, particularly knowing that a portion of Medium readers would resonate with me — approve of me; validate me — I knew that adding my voice to the cacophony was not going to add any value. My opinion, tossing around like a twig on an ocean of discord, was not going to change anyone’s mind or calm any of the rhetoric.

And I realized, (after the glow of that little green publish button had faded and, with it, my indignation and sense of righteousness), that I had become so focused on sharing my views, and making sure that others knew I was right, that I had shuttered my mind to all that is good.

Tolerance is good.

Unity and bridge-building is good.

Thoughtful and gentle words are good.

Compassion is good.

Empathy is good.

Listening is good.

Faith is good.

Appreciating that all people are trying their best, with whatever life has dealt them, is good.

But here’s the thing: choosing the quiet grace of goodness is damn hard. It’s so much easier (so much more natural and automatic) to chase the validating thrill of being right. And, on reflection, it’s easy to see why.

Our modern society is constructed in such a way that our greatest validation — the loudest praise and greatest sense of accomplishment — comes about when we focus on being correct. Accurate. Righteous. From the time we start school, we are not taught to chase nor cherish goodness; instead we are trained to equate our self-worth with being right:

• In the classroom, scholarships and valedictorians don’t go to the kindest or most understanding students — they are showered upon those who get the best grades (i.e. the most answers right)
• At work, the delightful team-player is likely to be fired if they don’t hit the right targets or KPIs, or live up to approved financial standards
• Our celebrities often obtain fame by having the right look, starting the right trends or hanging out with the right crowd. Who they are as a human being is secondary
• Those who are known for their goodness — inspiring individuals like Malala Yousafzai, the Dalai Lama or the selfless and courageous White Helmets — tend to sit on the periphery of our mass media consumption
• And then there’s the politicians. Particularly those who express the right worldview, propose the right policies and promise the right kind of life for me. How many personal failings and destructive behaviors are we willing to ignore, if we believe the individual is on the right side of the debate?

We notice people who are right in our eyes. We elevate people who are right in our eyes. We forgive people who are right in our eyes. So, of course, we expend time, energy and precious well-being chasing that same sense of acclamation.

When faced with an alternate opinion (particularly one that offends our view of the world) it is hard not seek a sense of righteousness in the situation. It’s so easy to leap onto the offense, and point out the Other’s obvious flaws in logic, belief or behavior. Ignorant online comment ? Reply with vehement defiance, or sarcastic belittlement. Media coverage of someone who votes differently from you? Recite patronizing insults to yourself, or mutter them into the safe-zone of like-minded friends. Offensive Twitter post? I mean, my God, have you seen Twitter???

The point is, I understand why … you, me, everyone … partakes in this behavior. I understand, fully, the need for self-validation that comes from putting someone in their place, and expressing how right you are on this matter. And I can see that we do so because that is how society has made us.

We only feel good, when we feel right.

But hear me now. Goodness is the only answer to an angry, divided and destructive humanity. And even if our viewpoint is based on goodness, even if we believe our way will allow greater things for more people, our actions and words will only ever heal the situation if they, too, carry the grace of goodness within them.

Everybody believes they are right. That’s why they fight so hard. So, maybe it’s time for us all to start taking responsibility for how good we can each be. How tolerant, thoughtful, forgiving, empathetic, gentle and gracious. It’s not easy to do. And there are times when we will throw goodness to the wind in order to satisfy our deep-rooted yearning for righteousness. But, as I have learned, we all have a delete button. And we can always try again.

Kim Forrester is an award-winning author, educator and intuitive consultant with over 15 years’ experience as a professional intuitive and spiritual teacher. She combines cutting edge science with traditional spirituality to offer the latest understandings of psi, consciousness and holistic well being.