The Problem with Perception

The beliefs we have about being ‘right’, are wrong

When I was 18, I spent a year as an AFS exchange student in Denmark.

Drunken episodes aside (and there were a few drunken episodes!), I discovered that assimilation into any new culture can be fraught with awkward and embarrassing moments. Certainly, as I struggled to learn Danish, I provided more than my fair share of humorous slip-ups for my host family and friends.

There is the time I famously declared that my great-grandmother was 96 years old and still lived on a train station (I meant farm). Or when I shared the news that my cat had produced a litter of chickens (kittens). Or the time in French class when I translated the expression “zut alors” (darn, or dang) into something more like “holy sh*t!” (true story).

But, more interesting than these obvious teething problems, were the understated differences in the Danish way of life, and the subtle cultural cues I had to learn and adopt.

As you can expect, when I first arrived in the home of my new “family”, I was on my absolute best behavior: please, thank you, excuse me, you’re welcome. Among these obligatory niceties were my well-drilled New Zealand table manners, including the primary doctrine that one must never, NEVER reach in front of a fellow diner to grab a condiment. Goodness, how rude.

So, for the first month I was proudly exhibiting my cultural prowess by politely asking for items at the table. “Please pass the potatoes.” “May I have the sauce, please?” “Could you please pass the salt?” It was a few weeks into my stay when my host brother finally turned to me and said “Why are you so lazy? Why don’t you just get the damn salt yourself?”

That’s when I discovered that reaching in front of someone at the table is not impolite in Denmark; however, constantly interrupting their meal so they can pass you the salt is.

Our thoughts and beliefs are based on what we have been taught as an individual, and do not necessarily represent how others see the world

It was my first experience with the notion of perception; the understanding that all of my thoughts, beliefs and actions are based on what I have been taught as an individual, or as part of a cultural group, and do not necessarily represent how others see the world.

You see, from the moment we are born we are offered a set of rules, beliefs and behavioral patterns, and we learn to perceive our experience of the world as being “normal”. This patterning can create all sorts of challenges as we venture out into the world:

a) Misconception: everyone thinks the way I do, so my reasoning for your behavior is “xyz”. After all, that’s the only reason I would have done/said/allowed that.

b) Duality: my way is not just normal, it is right, so will you please just stop your folly and start acting/speaking/behaving my way.

c) Ignorance: my thoughts and behaviors are not just right way, they are the only way. I cannot see nor acknowledge any other way of being.

We each carry different perspectives through our lives; norms that are instilled into us from the directives, experiences and examples of our childhood. I believe that when we can grasp that fact, it makes life so much easier.

Sure, conflict will occur anyway, but if we can be mindful of the fact that we are not normal, we are not right, our way is not the only way, then we instantly open the door to communication, and onward to understanding and acceptance.

We are enslaved by anything we do not consciously see. We are freed by conscious perception. Vernon Howard

Contrary to many people, I don’t believe an enlightened humanity will come by creating a single, united belief system. It will only come when we accept our individuality, embrace our differences and acknowledge that others perceive the world as they have come to know it.

So from now on, as you go about your daily life, please remember that everyone has a different normal. Everyone is experiencing this world through the lens of their own, unique perspective. When faced with conflict or difference, stay kind; stay open. And pass the salt, or not. Whatever works best for you.

Kim Forrester is an award-winning author, educator and intuitive consultant with over 15 years’ experience as a professional intuitive and spiritual teacher. She combines cutting edge science with traditional spirituality to offer the latest understandings of psi, consciousness and holistic well being.