What Does it Mean to ‘Be Yourself’?
You only know the limits of who you are by challenging them
This month, Oprah wants you to “Just be You!” and I must say, I wholeheartedly agree with the underlying sentiment. I mean, what on earth do you have to gain by consciously and systematically ignoring your natural impulses, needs, desires and behaviors to emulate somebody else, whether real or imagined? (Hint: the answer is nothing. You ultimately gain nothing.)
Of course, if you were to ask the vast majority of people “are you being you right now?” they would instantly and emphatically answer (in their own, unique vernacular) “Well, yes. Of course I’m being me!”
But, actually, we all learn to ignore our natural impulses, needs, desires and behaviors to become ‘someone we are not’ so we can fit in socially, garner approval and/or avoid unpleasant feelings*. But that process of adaptation is neither conscious, nor systematic.
*Ok, except those with antisocial personality disorders. They can quite readily change ‘who they are’ but this adaptation is both conscious and calculated.
The Becoming of You
It could be said that the closest we will ever be to our natural and authentic selves is when we are young children. In those earliest years, we express ourselves in complete authenticity because, at that stage, we do not know any other way of being. We take what flows naturally from within — whether that be stubbornness, creativity, compassion, sexuality, leadership, introversion, defiance, practicality, compliance — and we unapologetically broadcast these natural qualities to the world.
The adaptation of Self begins soon afterward, as we begin to receive feedback for who we are. Even in the innocence of our childhood, we are aware of how people have reacted to us:
Every time I assert my dominance, Mummy growls.
Whenever I obey a request, Daddy thanks me.
When I made a pretty drawing, Grandma yelled at me about ruining her couch.
When I was too afraid to speak up when Johnny took my toy, everyone praised me for “sharing”.
Over time, in our need to be accepted and validated, we unconsciously begin to prioritize behaviors that illicit pleasant feedback, and sideline those parts of ourselves that others don’t approve of. It’s not that we stop being ourselves, but, rather, we begin to avoid, suppress, or even loathe the authentic parts of us that others aren’t so thrilled about.
The Unveiling of You
It’s important to understand that, although we are at our most natural and authentic when we are young children, this is not necessarily the time when we know best who we are.
The true limits of our stubbornness, creativity, compassion, sexuality, leadership, introversion, defiance, practicality, compliance and so on, are simply not known to us, unless and until we exercise and challenge those very qualities. And, I think it’s fair to say, very few of us have the opportunity to fully challenge ourselves whilst we are still toddling around in diapers.
Did two-year old Malala Yousafzai understand how defiant she can be in the face of violent opposition?
Did a diaper-clad Steve Jobs appreciate the extent to which his creative genius could change the world?
Did a knee-high Oprah Winfrey, playing make-believe with her grandmother’s farm animals, realize her natural connection with other beings was profound enough to propel her to global stardom?
So, although we may have a set of natural qualities that we express authentically as young children, the depth of those qualities are not known until life allows us to challenge them. And, if we never challenge who we are, we will never understand just, exactly, what we are capable of.
We don’t know who we are until we are fully expressed.
So, how do you ‘just be you’, when you have no idea who you are?
As much as I admire the idea of “Just be You!”, I believe it simplifies a process that is far more subtle and complicated than those words communicate. To be you, truly, deeply, authentically, it is necessary to:
- Recognize and unlearn the inauthentic behaviors you have adopted in order to please others and/or fit in
- Embrace the unpleasant and ‘unacceptable’ traits within you and acknowledge how they positively impact your potential
- Challenge yourself with new ideas and new experiences — especially those that are confronting and discomforting
- Allow yourself to be different, new and more evolved each day
“Just be You” sounds like a wonderful way to liberate yourself; to live with greater ease, fulfillment and authenticity. And I encourage you to do everything you can to rediscover those traits and behaviors that flowed naturally through you as a young child. Then, importantly, I encourage you to test those skills and traits. Challenge them, exercise them and stretch them to their limits.
Because ‘Being You’ is not a destination; it’s not some milestone where you stumble across all you are, pour yourself a coffee, and start directing your life with complete clarity and ease. ‘Being You’ is an adventure — an ever-changing, ever-expanding expression of who you are and what you contribute to this world.
So, don’t just be you. Challenge you. Explore you. Confront you.
And, for goodness sake, CELEBRATE YOU — whoever you find yourself to be — every single day.
Kim Forrester is an award-winning author, educator and intuitive consultant with over 15 years’ experience as a professional intuitive and spiritual teacher. She combines cutting edge science with traditional spirituality to offer the latest understandings of psi, consciousness and holistic well being.
