Feeling Like a Fraud as a Teacher
Reconciling with Your Abilities and Gaining Confidence in Your Own Teaching
By Spanish Teacher and Guest Blogger Stacey Carter-Lane
I am a high school Spanish teacher, but Spanish is not my first language. I grew up speaking English (non-standard English, to be more specific). Outside of the summer I spent in Spain prior to my junior year of college, I’ve never lived abroad. Yet, for the past 12 years, I’ve been teaching Spanish to middle and high school students.
My brother, who speaks Spanish fluently and is married to a Dominican wife, tells me that I need an accent. My sister, who spent a few months in Chile while in high school, tells me my vocabulary is good, but that I speak too slowly, like a teacher. And on a daily basis, when I encounter Spanish in various forms and environments, I am reminded of what I don’t know.
My Spanish isn’t perfect, but only recently have I been able to admit that. During my first couple years of teaching, I was self-conscious about my Spanish. Even though I had majored in Spanish in college, I felt like I was faking it in front of the students. They would ask me questions, and I would use the “that’s a great question” response. Then I’d look it up and answer them later. When I encountered Spanish that I simply could not understand due to speed of talking or accent or not knowing the vocabulary, I would quickly find a way out of the conversation. Despite hours and hours of hard work and the positive feedback I received from many students, parents and colleagues, I felt like a fraud. My biggest fear was that any day now, they’d find out that I shouldn’t be teaching Spanish.
Today, however, I embrace my struggles with the language. I listen in on people speaking Spanish in public. Sometimes, I even try to join their conversations. I subscribe to Spanish-language magazines and podcasts and listen to Latin music. I follow Spanish-speakers on Twitter and often read the Bible in Spanish.
How did I make this transition from fear of being exposed as incompetent to being okay with where I am on my journey into bilingualism as a Spanish teacher? The honest answer is that I got to the point where I felt so discouraged and burned out that I stopped caring.
I had begun to adopt an I-don’t-care attitude. Working late after school, then going home and planning for several hours in the evenings, I’d become a bit resentful toward students, other teachers, administrators — just about everybody who had expectations of me as a Spanish teacher. I found myself thinking — and sometimes actually saying — snarky and defensive declarations of frustration: “I’m giving 100%. If that’s not enough, then fire me.” When I felt defensive about my language skills, I’d say, “If you know someone who can teach this better than I can, I will gladly step aside.”
I was at my lowest, I believe, when I snapped at a Latino student in front of the entire class: “If you don’t like my Spanish or my teaching style, go to guidance and ask for a better teacher. Shall I write you a pass?”
Thankfully, I am feeling more positive about my job these days. For example, I don’t panic when Latino students’ names appear on my rosters. In fact, I rely on heritage learners to teach me about culture and language variations, while I assist them in honing their reading, writing and grammar skills.
Knowing the content is a critical component of effective teaching, but so is knowing how to teach. I have found that my struggles in language learning provide the foundation for my success stories. Reflecting on my weaknesses and confronting my insecurities has helped me improve my teaching.
I have also come to see the advantage of being a teacher who has struggled to learn the subject that I teach. Like many of my students, I cried doing homework, chickened out on opportunities to converse with Spanish speakers, and threw up my hands in frustrating trying to roll an “r.” Having been in their shoes positions me to approach them from a place of empathy.
Stacey Carter-Lane teaches Spanish at Hammond High School in Columbia, MD. In her blog, NerdyTeacherMom.blogspot.com, she writes about the often-colliding worlds of teaching and motherhood. She is the author of Fun Activities for Spanish Club Meetings, an ebook for Spanish teachers and club advisors (affiliate link provided). Follow her on Twitter at: @LaneTeacher.
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