2 Excuses You Need to Drop to Improve Your Relationships
I’ve got a little challenge for you. Don’t worry, I’ll guide you.
“So — are you gonna do it? Right now? I bet you don’t dare.”
He looks me in the eye. Provokingly. Attentively. But above all, very curiously.
Only at this moment do I realize that my thoughts have wandered off. I squint my eyes for a moment and slightly shake my head as if to shake off the memories that had just unexpectedly flooded my mind. Time to turn back to reality and the conversation we just had.
Five people sitting around the table. Five grown women and men, who first listened with interest, smiled thoughtfully, then nodded in agreement. And then, one by one dodged the question. Found excuses. Avoided eye contact. And then hurried to change the subject.
I am the last one in the row, the last one who hasn’t said ‘no’ yet.
The guy who just posed the question — is still looking at me, still waiting for my answer.
What sounded like an easy thing to do just two minutes ago, suddenly seems like a huge challenge, now that things are getting serious.
“Should I really do that? … Sh*t.”
My pulse starts to race by the mere thought of it. I can suddenly feel my heart pounding in my chest. I’m getting nervous.
And then, before I even know what I’m doing, I nod. Take my phone out and start dialing.
What sounds like a situation that occurred during a party or a fun evening with friends, took actually place in a quite inspiring setting, during dinner, among participants of a personal development seminar. All of them, in theory, very open-minded people, with a great interest in challenging themselves. Still, all of them said ‘no’.
What do you think the challenge was about?
Touching a spider?
Jumping off a cliff?
I will tell you.
The discussion was neither about jumping off a cliff nor about some other popular test of courage. In fact, we were talking about something seemingly boring and ridiculously simple.
We were talking about saying ‘thank you’.
To be precise, we were talking about spontaneously calling one of the most important people in our lives. Unexpectedly and for no other reason than saying:
“Thank you for being who you are and for everything you have ever done for me.”
I know, this is probably not what you expected and I fully understand if you don’t get the point yet. But before you decide to put this story aside — disappointed that this is not about people overcoming their biggest fear in life — let me explain.
This is one important lesson I myself only realized when being confronted with this challenge: sometimes, the most difficult challenges have nothing to do with the biggest fears in life.
I know, calling someone and sincerely telling them ‘thank you’ sounds easy. But if it’s that easy — why are there so few people who ever do it? Why had I never done it? And most importantly: Why the hell do we all think it’s not important?
Here are two interesting facts I found.
According to Amit Kumar, assistant professor of Marketing and Psychology at the University of Texas McCombs School of Business and Nicholas Epley, Professor of Behavioral Science and Faculty Director of the Center for Decision Research at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, two main excuses prevent us from expressing our gratitude¹:
1. Curse of knowledge:
For us, it’s obvious we’re grateful. Of course, we are. This means, however, we don’t consider it necessary to explicitly express our gratitude again. We know we’re grateful, we conclude the other person knows we’re grateful. We think it’s all good. But it’s not. The other person might not even notice.
2. Fear of not finding the right words:
Very few of us find it easy to express our emotions. I feel you. Not finding the right words, getting stuck or muddled halfway through, makes us feel terribly uncomfortable. Again, we make assumptions and believe our stuttering will make the other person feel uncomfortable, too. What happens is: we end up saying nothing at all.
To be honest with you, I don’t know why, at this exact moment, I decided to just do it. Maybe because deep down, I knew it was right. I guess somehow, I knew it was time.
Here is what happened.
I called my sister, who had recently helped me through a difficult time. And she said nothing, for a moment that felt like an eternity. Until I realized she cried. And finally said:
“I don’t know what made you do this — but you have no idea what it means to me.”
I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy. But it was all worth it.
Our problem is: we permanently worry about what could happen.
We worry about what others will think of us when we decide to open up and show ourselves vulnerable.
And while we’re busy worrying about all of this, there is one thing we don’t realize: it doesn’t matter.
We finally need to stop worrying about what could happen if we did it. Instead, we need to start asking ourselves what is lost if we don’t do it.
Coming back to the two excuses in your head. I hope you realized they’re not valid anymore:
- Chances are high, most of your loved ones don’t know how grateful you are for them until you express it.
- Also, finding the right words is easy: just use mine.
So — what about you? Do you dare? Right now?
[1]: Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423–1435. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618772506
