Magical Waters
An Unexpected Love Journey of the Mind
Submerged, my body warm and gently swaying with the rise and fall of the water, a cleansing ritual have left my mind, emotions and heart open. I am raw. A January illness and depression have diminished my frame and my bones strain against the porcelain. Folding washcloths, I pad my derriere in fear my hard-fired clay bones will crack under the pressure. Floating, I drift in and out of my emotions and murky thoughts. I flick the tub stopper with my toe. Like a switch, memories of my nephew Eddie burst through me and he is four again.
Stationed off the coast of Dubai, my sister Liz was serving on a medical ship during the Gulf War. Three years older than me, our lives were similar and yet very different. We grew up in a small upstate New York country town and spent our time strategizing how to not get stuck there. A military career provided this and the opportunities for training, travel, and financial stability, making it a top option. Prior, the persuasion of traditional marriage and family led to my sister’s pregnancy, divorce, and single motherhood soon after.
I guided her throughout her pregnancy and delivery of a lanky, black-haired, and walnut-skinned boy. When the war began Eddie became mine and I, his sub-mother, a single mother as she had been. Born deaf, Eddie and I learned sign language together and composed our own private communication. Physically unbalanced from his hearing disability, gravity battled him to walk and when achieved, it was affectionately labeled the “duck walk.” Feet pointing outward in a v-shape, he clomped heel to toe to propel himself forward. On sunny days we walked to strengthen his legs and collected objects from the ground, mostly garbage and cigarette butts filled his pockets.
Our days concluded with his long bath that would last close to an hour. The ritual was to let the water drain until every drop had found its way to the duct from beneath his slight form. I watched him, eyes closed, plumed black eyelashes glistening, the water lowering and his body softly descending until it laid flat upon the tub floor. Smiling, he opened his eyes, and emitting from his face was pure rapture as I wrapped him in a towel. Floating liberating him from the unseen force.
Gurgling, I rouse to the decreasing water exposing my skin and the sensation of the cool air pricking its surface, carving out the space around and within me. Sinking, my protruding bones — shoulder blades, backbone, and tailbone — press hard against the bottom. Lower and lower, releasing my head and the sound in my ears. Like a finger, the water traces the edges of my skin, a sensation of being cross-sectioned, sliced, filleted. My weightlessness dissolved, Eddie’s smile and the memory of his rite fill me. Opening my eyes, my body fully exposed, the last of the water pooling in the deep channels of my groin. I stand, wrap myself in a towel, tears marking my cheeks, now understanding the floating, the need to be released.
