That Day I Failed My Father
I wish I could hit rewind.
If I had one of those time machines they have in movies, I would rewind my life to the time of my marriage. Because that was where things went wrong.
Before I start with the story, I need to tell one or two things.
Running parallel with the story, I will be giving glimpses of the Indian culture so that you can relate with me better.
The other thing — I am not speaking for every Indian family and I am not demeaning my culture in any way. It is just that that’s how things are, sometimes. I am a proud Indian and I take a lot of pride in my culture.
A lot of things in India that are normal here, are not elsewhere. It is a diverse land of rich culture, traditions, and beliefs. India is also a staunchly patriarchal society, slowly coming to terms with feminism.
This was the time when I and my then-boyfriend-now-husband were all set to get married. As goes by the tradition over here, my family had visited theirs by now. And by my family, I mean my father (mothers don’t visit normally), my uncles, aunts, extended uncle, and maternal uncle.
For us, family encompasses a lot a people; that’s why our marriages can sometimes fill a small stadium. We are like a herd. We move together. The more the number of people, the more we are perceived as connected. It’s a thing of pride.
Anyways, so their family (again a mere group of 12 people) also visited ours and gave a ring, as a token of honoring the arrangement. And during the visit, my uncle asked my hubby’s mom (okay, another pause — in our culture, usually the elders do the talking) if they were expecting anything in the marriage. Though I and my husband were very clear that there would not be any dowry in our marriage, for the sake of clarity and ruling out the possibility of any confusion, my uncle reconfirmed.
Now, for those of you who are new to the concept of dowry, it is a (shameful) tradition that started somewhere in medieval times when a gift in cash or kind was given to a bride by her family to maintain her independence after marriage. The amount depends upon the stature of the bride’s father. Though abolished legally in the year 1961, it still has roots in society.
Back to the track, my mother-in-law promptly said that they are strictly against the dowry system and would not take anything. But, they have just one request —
to have the marriage in a big hotel.
Indian marriages are held in two parts. The first one is arranged by the bride’s side where the actual marriage happens, and the second is by the groom’s side after a couple of days.
My father is a simple, yet contended man. He is not filthy rich but I haven’t seen a richer man than him because he has always given in his life. So, you see, our home is in a small town and my husband’s family resides in a city. My in-law's side is more well-to-do financially. So, they were hesitant about having the marriage in a small town.
My father was hesitant initially, but he agreed. My elder brother and my father made all the arrangements beautifully and I got married happily.
So, where was the problem?
My regrets
Today, when I think (and I have done it so many times), there are things that I could have done right.
I was financially independent then. Ironically, I was working in a bank. I had all the resources to take a loan to support my father in the expenses. And trust me, an Indian marriage costs a fortune. In some places, fathers start saving money the moment a girl is born!
Though I had made some big purchases here and there, I should have given him a sum of money and taken up the major share of the cost.
You see, in our society, the onus of marrying the girl falls upon fathers and brothers. And I was so dreamy about the prospects of getting married, I just forgot about my responsibility. Sounds really lame and stupid but that is what it was.
More than that, it was the fact that I did not say anything about putting an additional burden upon my father. Yes, I am from a small town. I should have put my point across and stood my ground.
I should have been beside my father and made a point to have the marriage the way he had planned it, in my hometown. Not in a big hotel. A point to accept me exactly who and from where I am.
Parting thoughts
Standing up for oneself might sometimes be difficult and inconvenient. But it is important, nonetheless. It may be personal or professional affairs.
I cannot go back in time and change what has already happened, but I wish I could. One might be tempted to just go with the flow. It is easy.
But was easy always right?
Sometimes you have to go against the current, stand alone, and shout even though nobody cares to listen. Because, end of the day, this is who you are and what you stand for.
Though I have told my father about this, he just pats my back and laughs it off. For him and my brother, it is not a matter that warrants even a talk. But it is me who carries the burden to date.
