Personal Essay
With 3 Magical Words, My Best Friend Broke My Heart
I wanted just one last day
Listen to this song while you read. It enhances the experience 10X.
“We have to end this,” she messaged me.
“Why?” I asked.
She told me she had developed feelings for me. So she thought she was not doing right by him.
By ‘him’ she meant her current partner. I wonder how can the development of something natural such as feelings be classified as either right or wrong?
I believe feelings are beyond the paradigm of right and wrong. True Love is born of feelings and something as beautiful as the flower of love can never bloom in the swamp of right or wrong.
“Let’s meet one last time,” I replied without questioning her decision.
Seems like every good thing really ends. The universe keeps every real thing incomplete except in movies. Life is not a movie, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t even try to make it look like one.
That’s when I decided that I’ll send her with the best memories.
The last day arrived. She walked towards me. The shiny disordered hair covered her face. Those radiant black eyes sparkled as soon as she saw me and I finally got to see that familiar soulful smile.
She told me she always wondered why people spent any holiday inside the four walls of a coffee shop or restaurant when they can sit under the sky.
“Starbucks or McD?” she asked me. “Under the open sky,” I replied. I took her to a nearby garden. The scent of the blooming roses filled the air. I played her favourite songs I curated over the years on the portable speaker I was carrying.
There will be people who’ll show you the stars, and there will be someone who’ll make your eyes sparkle like one. I am glad I was the latter one that day. The child inside her — innocent and carefree—was out for the first time.
We sat there for hours.
“Let’s go eat something. I am hungry” she said. Usually, if she was conflicted by the choice paradox whenever we went out to eat, I used to rescue her by selecting a restaurant.
But that day, I decided to be a part of her confusion and let her decide. A woman does not always look up to you for problem-solving when she tells you about her dilemma. Sometimes, all she is looking for is someone who can just listen. That’s what I did.
She dragged me from one restaurant to the other for almost an hour. Some were rejected because they were crowded and others simply because she said, ‘No, not this one’. I didn’t ask why. I didn’t resolve her conflict either. I just wanted to be with her regardless of external circumstances.
Finally, she chose a small restaurant where the total number of customers were two. After that, I again took her to a different place under the sky.
“You told me a few months back you love singing,” I asked. “I told you months ago, how can someone remember something so small,” she said. “Because it was not something so small for you.”
“One, two, three and GO,” I said. She laughed and started singing.
Her mellifluous voice transcended both of us to a higher reality. It was a crowded area, yet it felt like no one was there except us. Her head slid over my shoulder for the first time. I kept still and she kept singing.
The day was January 24th, 2021. It gets chilly around the evening in India. She was shivering. Oh, how I wish I had the jacket to put around her. If it were a movie, I certainly would have had one.
Anyway, to beat the cold, we went for coffee.
We chose a table away from the crowd. She kept looking at me without blinking. First time in my life I saw silence speak so loudly. “Thinking of magical power to pause the moment?” I asked. She nodded smilingly. “No one understands my silence more than you,” she added.
“I’ll miss making memories with you,” I said. She smiled. “And I’ll miss this smile,” I continued. “It’s just a smile,” she said. “No,” I continued, “it’s your smile.”
“I never thought I would find so peace by just looking at you,” she said. “I really wish this moment never ends and I keep looking at you forever.”
Sometimes in life, you don’t need words to say something your heart wants. In fact, words will only make your heart look confused, which never is. Her silence coupled with the smile spoke directly to my heart.
The decorative lights always fascinated her. It was two days to Indian Republic Day, So I knew the central market outside the coffee shop would be decorated.
“Come on, One last surprise for you,” I told her. I went behind her, closed her eyes with my hands and took her at the spot with the best view.
As I removed my hands, the beauty of the place moved her to tears. She kept quiet. “Why are you crying I asked?” “In happiness I cry, In sadness, I cry. I am a tanker of tears,” she added.
I played her favourite song by the legend, A. R. Rahman, on repeat and stood behind her, holding her from behind in my arms as she adored the beauty in peace. I too kept silent. The moment froze for us.
Any moment will capture our soul if something fascinates our three senses—sight, sound, and smell. In that very moment, the shimmering lights in the darkly lit night captivated her eyes. The mesmerizing music of the Oscar-winning legend rejuvenated her ears. And flowers nearby spread the heavenly scent in the night sky.
We were still, but our souls were dancing slowly and intricately with each other under the moonlight.
“Guys of metro cities don’t know how to love,” she said. “I think a small towner today showed you what genuine love actually looks like.” She laughed and said, “You are the reason I started believing in true love”. Her laugh then turned into a smile. Soon that smile became shaky, and she started crying uncontrollably. I hugged her. She hugged me back and kept crying.
I didn’t calm her. I would rather let those unremitting tears flow out than fall inside the bottomless well of her heart in loneliness. I let the ship of her emotions sail where it may. All I knew was that her shore was in my arms.
She never wanted a fancy location to be with someone. She never wanted a perfect day to be with someone. She never wanted more time with someone. It was never about the location, day or time. She just wanted someone to pause for a while and feel a moment with her.
It’s probably not about who gets to be with you for a day or lifetime. It’s only about who fights to be with you just for a moment.
“I don’t want to go home,” she said. I kept quiet. What could I possibly have said? All I knew was I am going to love this girl for a long, long time.
At once, she stopped hugging me. I too pulled back my arms. “I want to say one last thing,” she said. I kept quiet and waited for it. “I don’t know how to say it,” she added.
“Just say it,” I said.
She looked at me with the most beautiful, calming smile. As the tears reached the horizon of her big black eyes, she paused for a bit. She held them back and said, “I love you.”
I really didn’t expect I would hear that. Those three words shook my world. I smiled, turned my face down in hopelessness for a while and then turned it up again with an even broader smile coupled with watery eyes.
I didn’t know that these three magical words can break someone’s heart.
She hugged me again. By that time I understood the inevitable moment has arrived to take her away forever. I tucked the hair falling on her face behind her ear, cupped her face gently in my hands and gave a big kiss on her forehead. Why? Because my mother says forehead kisses are meant for the soul.
She slowly walked away to the subway as I stood there capturing her glimpse for one last time.
Yes, Nothing would change. Flowers will still bloom but won’t smell so good without her. Stars will still twinkle but won’t be so enigmatic without her. The wind will still blow but without her fragrance. Everything would still be the same, yet there will always be an emptiness without her.
She used to say she is the child of the universe. And That universe couldn’t ever do wrong with her.
We didn’t end up together.
We were best friends for 7 long years. Still, if this is what the universe wants, I’ll gladly move away from its path.
She wasn’t my first love. She was my first true love. And that moment which froze for us under the stars convinced me I was hers too.
Now, All that I can do is thank every moment, every person, every heartbreak and every star of her universe that I saw that beautiful girl seven years ago. Without her, nothing would have made sense in my life.
It happens, but once in a lifetime that you feel so grateful to meet someone that every beat of your good old heart understands what it means to be alive. I felt it that day. That’s more than what I could possibly ask God.
As I said, we didn’t end up together, but it’s okay, I guess.
Because True love is not about possession. It’s only about expression.
#FirstLoveIW
