Universe’s Most Wanted: Barona Delasagi
As of yesterday, Barona Delasagi is now the most wanted man in the universe. His face appears on posters from the Tadha Galaxy to the Ufronian Star Clusters, and everywhere else in between. The Universal Police Force is hot on his trail and they hope to catch him soon.
If you happen to live under a Dartonan asteroid and don’t know anything, I’ll give you the short story of who he is. Barona is the typical smash-and-grab variety of criminal from the Xenos Galaxy, traveling from planet to planet and never staying long. He’s a Longorian, and as such, can shape-change everything about him except for his facial features. His large nose and beady neon green eyes tend to give him away, so he hides them behind masks that resemble past presidents of the universe. All in all, he’s pretty normal when it comes to criminals.
But there are two things about him that continue to baffle the Universal Police Force. The first is that he doesn’t take big piles of money, drugs, vehicles, spaceships, or giant death rays. In fact, most of what he steals is worthless and shiny, like the diamond underwear once worn by rock legend Elvis Presley from the Anobia Galaxy.
The other baffling reason is he only robs one person from each planet, and it’s never the person you think it would be. These two reasons make him difficult to catch. Nobody knows his next target, not even he does.
There have been two one-of-a-kind items of notable value he’s gotten his tentacles on: a cloaking device for his spaceship (a Beetle Class X-214 which resembles a Volkswagen Beetle from the planet Earth), and a new invention called the ACME belt, which stands for Accident Creation Made Easy. The cloaking device, nicknamed ‘Now You’re Gone,’ is unique in that it makes you and anything you’re touching actually disappear from existence for twenty-four Hiptonian hours. Literally everyone in the universe will forget you actually exist, and they only remember you when you reappear, making it easy to enter and exit planets and galaxies.
The ACME belt is also useful, and may actually end up being even better than ‘Now You’re Gone.’ Here’s how it works: any time you are under duress, the belt manifests an accident to aid you. Banana peels appear, whales fall from the sky, guns shoot flowers, and about a billion other things can happen.
Unfortunately, from our perspective, these two devices make Barona Delasagi literally impossible to catch. He is now free to roam about the universe stealing whatever he wants. But don’t worry, as long as your valuables are actually things that are valuable and not just worth a lot of money, it’s a safe bet that he’ll leave you alone.
For those interested, here’s a short list of the more unique things he’s taken so far:
A 3 ball from a pool set made of dark matter
A toilet organically grown from crystals
Three dozen glow-in-the-dark plastic shot glasses owned by Emperor Lord Magistrate the XLII
The original navigation map that leads to the Nowhere Galaxy
A robot arm from a defunct robot that was used to quell the seventeenth robot revolution
Zeeble poop- lots of it
A vintage bottle of Rarified Air
The Chapeau d’Amour from the Planet Earth
A toothbrush crafted from starlight
And a vial of pheromones from 1,000 Anjupo prostitutes
