Interview With The Ice Queen

It was about a year ago when an unusual polar vortex hit the planet Rengon, a delightful tourist destination which, at that point in time, had the best weather in the Zed Galaxy. This allowed the Queen Didalia, or more commonly referred to as the Ice Queen, to leave her desolate Fortress of Isolation and enter the vortex where she began a reign of terror that didn’t last very long.

While various claims have been made about her initial involvement, science has shown that she indeed had very little effect on the vortex. It turns out that the cause of the vortex was actually a migration of Cilesci, tiny bacteria that feed on perfect weather conditions, so it was more a random happenstance and not a result of Didalia actually having magical powers.

But to clear up this whole debacle, we have reached out to Didalia and she agreed to an interview via WhatsApp.

Me: Thank you for allowing us to do this interview.

QD: Oh, it’s my pleasure. It gets awful lonely up here.

Me: So no one talks to you?

QD: No :( I guess it comes with the territory, being an evil queen and all.

Me: That sounds terrible. So tell us how your takeover happened.

QD: So I was hanging out in my Fortress, surfing the net, and I found myself on a website declaring that Rengon’s weather was the best ever. And then it started changing in real time, not a lot at first mind you, but it was noticeable. I mean, Rengon’s weather never changes, it was always sunny, blue skies, and seventy degrees. It was perfect for them. So when it turned sixty-nine degrees, I took notice.

Me: So what did you do?

QD: I waited. The next day it dropped another degree, and by the end of the week it was at sixty six. Of course, the planet was in chaos at that point, and anarchy was rampant. It was glorious. By the end of the month, it was forty five degrees, and I watched gleefully as everyone started wearing multiple layers and staying indoors. They tried to figure out how to make fires and long-sleeve clothes. It was hilarious. When it hit less than thirty two, I hopped in my space pod and flew to the coldest point and slipped in unnoticed.

Me: So they just let you take over?

QD: Absolutely. The cold doesn’t bother me, because, as I’m sure you’re aware of, I’m made out of snow. Us Snow People have had a long history of hating sunny weather so I was full of vengeance and hatred and the Rengonians were puny and shivering. I went into their Great Hall, kicked them all out, and opened all the windows letting the snow blow in. Afterwards I started making my army and forced the Rengonians into slavery. It was all too easy.

Me: And as I understand, the Rengonians all died?

QD: Little did I understand at the time how Rengonian biology worked. They actually need to relax all the time in order to survive. So they all would have died anyway thanks to the migrating Cilesci, but I guess I helped that process along.

Me: So then it was just you and the snow people correct?

QD: Yes, for a while, but all my army did was talk about snow fights and eating ice cream. They would go on and on about how nice the weather was and they would play their little games. I quickly grew bored of them and destroyed them all. That was six months ago, and now i kind of regret it because I’m lonely.

Me: Are you worried about the Cilesci migrating and the sunny weather coming back?

QD: Not in the least. I built an ice cannon that is perpetually cooling the sun as we speak. In about ten years, the sun will be nothing but a frozen ball of beautiful ice crystals.

Me: But that’s not possible. The sun is a ball of nuclear fusion that melts everything and it’s really, really hot.

QD: Oh, you silly being. You’re so adorable with your lack of knowledge.

Me: Um… thanks?

QD: Hey, are you a man?

Me: Yes

QD: I’m hotter than the sun, you know.

Me: What?

QD: You can come over anytime. ;)

Me: Oh… um… we don’t have space travel yet.

QD: That has to be the lamest excuses in the book.

Me: But it’s true.

QD: Then how are you talking to me?

Me: I have to go- a giant space sandworm is trying to swallow the city.

QD: Don’t leave me. I won’t give you the cold shoulder. I promise.