This Subtle Form of Self-Sabotage

There have been times when my greatest challenge was not that I do not have the gifts and talents, the potential to make life more meaningful for me and the people around me. Instead, I had to fight with my fears — the fear that comes from within me.

This fear emanates from my inner critic. That part of me that’s usually harsh and unrealistic to my true self. First, this inner self labels me. This it does with nasty and ‘good-for-nothing’ labels. I have myself telling me that ‘I am boring’; ‘I am good at nothing’; ‘No body can ever love me because I am not lovable.’

My self-sabotage inner critic a times comes with the heavy-handed ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’. This inner critic requires that I must dress in a particular way before I can be accepted. It insists I should speak in a particular way if I need to be considered to be among the elites. So, in many times, I find myself struggle to meet up with the shoulds and musts of the inner critic in me and as well, of those I look up to. In doing so, I miss being me. I lose out in enjoying the pleasure of being me

He goes on with his criticisms. This time with extreme words such as ‘always’ and ‘never’ that quickly corrodes my self-esteem. Have you ever heard yourself saying to you, ‘you can never pass that exams’ or that ‘you can never get married to the man or woman of your dream’ or that ‘you always come last in the class?’. Have you been there before? I have been there and back many times.

And as if these were not enough, my inner critic comes with the sting of comparison. He tells me that someone is always smarter, sings better, speaks better, dances better and writes better than I can do. But does that mean that life is all about who I’m better than or is it about getting better than the former me (the me of yesterday)? The thing is when the inner critic comes, you don’t have the time to think about that.

Sometimes, I am almost convinced to believe him.

In those times, my greatest battle was to overcome this subtle form of self-sabotage. And I overcame this subtle form of self-sabotage. Do you want to know how I did that?

Let’s make that a discussion for next week.

You friend,
Apeh