Are You Stuck In A Loop?
When you can’t move forward because your life seems to run in circles.
In the TV Series Westworld, the story takes place in an artificial second world that is inherited by android hosts. These androids are getting scripts programmed into their heads by the creators of that world, so that they are repeating the same story over and over again.
Although the have the ability to improvise when they are faced with a new situation, their script generally always brings them back to the story-line that is programmed into their heads.
Honestly, I’ve never watched a series that has made me think that much. About human psychology, human nature, and culture.
Insight #1: Our culture entraps us in behavioral loops
Our culture operates very similar to the programming of the human androids in Westworld, except that it is much more subtle. It pushes us into roles, enforces certain behavior upon us, and puts our thoughts into a mental cage.
We do certain things because everybody does them. We act in certain ways because the people around us expect it this way. We think about the things that our society emphasizes. We make certain assumptions about the world because everybody around us shares them with us. We believe in certain things because we take them for granted, like all the other people.
And the worst thing about all of this is that we do not question these things.
Can we still call this our own individuality? Our own decision-making? Our own life?
The problem is that when our own way of thinking and our own behavior becomes so influenced by what our environment tells us, then this also forces us into a particular role that society wants us to play.
We want to break free from this situation. But our solution to this situation again is influenced by the answers our culture provides for it. Without realizing it, we repeat the same behavior over and over again. With slightly different variations.
Insight #2: We do not even give ourselves the permission to question the most basic things in life
In Iran, when a couple is about to get married, the man essentially signs a document which mentions the amount of the dowry that he should pay. Actually, he doesn’t need to pay that money right away. Rather, it is a sort of ‘insurance’ that mostly comes into play in the case of divorce.
It is a relict of the time when there was a clear separation of men and women in terms of their responsibilities in life. When men were working outside of the home, and women were taking care of the home.
One more thing you should know here is that these dowries are insanely high in Iran. For example, it wouldn’t be unusual for a middle class family to ask for the equivalent of about $300.000 or more.
During our discussions about marriage, my father-in-law basically insisted on this dowry, even though my partner was saying that she wasn’t interested in it at all. Whenever we were saying that this wouldn’t be necessary in our case, his answer was the same:
“Everybody does it. If we don’t do it, people will think that there is something wrong with my daughter”.
On the one hand, there is a lot of pressure on people to get married in Iran. On the other hand, going through this process is incredibly difficult nowadays, especially for men. The expectations are simply too high.
The dowry is just one out of a lot of different things. Here are some of the things that are expected of you as a man in Iran:
- you should have a fully-furnished apartment- or house ready to go at the beginning of the relationship.
- you should pay for a large wedding party, which altogether can easily cost about $50.000
- you should have a stable income, that at least should provide for the same standard of living than during the time that the bride was living with her parents
Unsurprisingly, the rate of marriage in Iran, especially among young people, is dropping significantly, despite the fact that there is a lot of expectations on people to get married as this is seen as the time of marriage is considering as the real beginning of your own life.
Of course, not every culture is as demanding as the Iranian culture when it comes to marriage.
But every culture has its own way of ingraining expectations into our heads, of telling us what we should and shouldn’t do, of making us feel as if something is ‘normal’ and has to be done in this particular way.
Why did you go to university? Because that’s what people do in your culture.
Why do you take shower every single day? Because your culture tells you that if you don’t do that, then you are disgusting.
Why do you start working as an unpaid intern for a year, doing pointless work every single day? Because your culture tells you that if you stay patient enough, you will slowly work your way up the societal ladder.
I may be exaggerating a little bit here, but I am trying to make a point. As long as your are stuck in what society expects from you, as opposed to what you yourself want, then you will never escape from that loop.
But to do that, you first need to start giving yourself permission to question the assumptions you are making about the world. Even if they seem as obvious to you as the fact that everybody should pay a dowry does to my father-in-law.
Insight #3: You need to define your own growth on your own terms
This may seem obvious, but I don’t think that this is what most people do.
For example, I personally define growth as constant learning. As becoming a better writer every single day. As understanding more about different cultures every single day. As expanding my mindset every single day. As exposing myself to new ideas and new environments all the time.
For somebody else, growth may have a completely different meaning. Growth may mean to always strive to become a better mother. Or to always strive to get closer to God. Or to feel a stronger sense of freedom every single day.
For somebody else, growth may simply not involve exposing him- or herself to a new environment all the time. Perhaps it involves growing in one particular environment until reaching it’s very top. It may not involve exposing herself to new ideas all the time, but to constantly remain reflective.
And all that is okay. Everybody has their own version of growth.
The danger is in allowing society to dictate to us what the best way for our own personal growth really means. Because, to be honest, society doesn’t care about you. It only cares about its own survival.
This doesn’t mean that individual people like your friends and family don’t care about you. Rather, it means that you are merely a small cog in a large machine. And since the main goal of a society is to ensure its own survival, the individual’s role is simply to keep that machine running.
Society doesn’t care…
… whether or not you are achieving your personal goals.
… whether or not you have the living standards you are looking for.
…whether or not you have opportunities to become the person you want to be.
What society does care about is that you are passing your genes on, therefore contributing to its long-term survival. That you are playing your role in keeping its mechanism alive.
The reality is that the society you live in expects from you to fulfill your duties. In return, you are allowed to be a part of it. That’s really all you get in return for your loyalty: the fact that you will not be excluded from it.
Some last words
It is your cultural programming that is telling you how to grow best in any particular environment.
But the problem is simply that the goal of this cultural programming is not to help you to grow into the person that you want to become. The goal is to help you to become the person who best fulfills his or her role in society.
So, what does this really mean for you?
- you need to learn how to look beyond the constraints of your cultural conditioning
- you need to define growth on your own terms and then relentlessly follow it
- you need to start questioning everything, even the most basic assumptions you are making about the world
- you need to expose yourself to different environments, in order to absorb different ways of thinking. And then use these insights to find your own way.
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