Fawning Over the Flock: trauma response in ministry

Photo by Ariana Prestes on Unsplash

It’s the little things:

• Sometimes when I would sing certain hymns I don’t believe in, I’d separate just a little, like I’m watching myself sing instead of actually singing. It hurt. It also felt like nothing.
• Sometimes when I would leave meetings in which I’d been particularly rational in the face of conflict, I’d get home and wonder what actually happened and why I’m not okay.
• Sometimes after a conversation with a congregant that I thought went well, I would get this twisting in my stomach and wouldn’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.
• On some particularly “good” Sundays, I’d come home feeling like I was great at my job, then wake up the next morning and not be able to move from overwhelming anxiety and depression.

Things like this kept happening for months as I was pastoring until I felt it was normal to be constantly exhausted, unmotivated, and foggy brained. Within a year of this new “normal,” I assumed my anxiety, depression, and inability to focus were all my fault.

It wasn’t until I spent some time away on sabbatical and read about fawning that I realized I was in a semi-constant traumatic response. Pete Walker describes the fog I called “normal life” as an emotional flashback.✎ EditSign