TikTok Defined my Christianity
Pre-Pandemic, I hated TikTok. I have two daughters who constantly showed me “funny” videos on TikTok and made their own TikToks while I was trying to watch TV. The dance moves, the sound bites, it was all horrible. It was Vine from a few years earlier and SnapChat all over again. It was enough to doubt your abilities as a dad.
But then I got bored during the quarantine, so I decided to check out “the TikTok.” I realized it had content I was interested in: cooking, politics, rescued beavers, travel, and more. I made an account and started wasting my time scrolling for sounds. I also discovered people describing how I was feeling about my faith.
The content that interested me the most was those made by people who were disenchanted by their religious upbringing. They were deconstructing. The stories ranged from new interpretations of scripture (e.g., LGBTQ+); how they liked Jesus, but not the church; or even how their own church experience was abusive. Some of these folks had either abandoned their faith, found a new church, or are still searching for a belief. I was surprised to find so many people articulating a new message of the Gospel. I was inspired.
Briefly, my journey of faith has come full-circle, or maybe more like a 6.
As a kid, I didn’t go to church. I watched the 10 Commandments at Easter, I knew Jesus and Santa split custody with a holiday, and I even had my own children’s Bible. As I got older, through college, I described myself as an agnostic. But I began to change while working in a Catholic school, dating and getting engaged to a Christian woman (who I married), and finding out that my fellow rant-against-religion friend had become a Christian. He challenged me to pray about it, I had attended church with my wife, and saw good role models for the Christian faith.
So, as I tend to do, I jumped in 100%. I was baptized, went to church weekly, led small groups, taught Sunday School, taught 5th grade Christian School, was on a Christian School Board and Christian Camp board, was a deacon, ran the power points on Sunday mornings (both services), was on the Missions committee, and of course, voted Republican. Everyone saw a “full-faithed” Christian.
Despite my resume, doubts tugged at me. Prayer always made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t into praise music or Christian music. I studied Apologetics, but I still had doubts about the historical nature of Jesus and the Old Testament. I saw hypocrites in the pews and saw one of my preachers sent to jail for molestation. But, let me serve, study, and listen to a sermon. That’s what I liked.
For a good chunk of my married life, this is what I did weekly. But then, a few things started to change.
I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole with this, but I could not see how most of my evangelical friends could support Trump. It was too much of a contradiction. Especially the Christians who seemed to love Trump as much as I love Springsteen and the Broncos. It made no sense.
Second, I began studying what the Bible says about same-sex relations. Again, rabbit hole, my conclusion was while the Bible strongly condemned things like murder, shellfish, and tattoos, it wasn’t as clear about homosexuality as the Church proclaimed. At best, it’s ambivalent.
Third, I went on to conclude that Biblical inerrancy, which I taught to kids, was wrong. The Bible is an incredible literary tool, full of poems, myths, ethics, wisdom, and errors. I couldn’t see the Bible as perfect and needed to move away from trying to justify its conflicts, to embracing them. Even Christians don’t agree on even the basics, e.g., baptism, which books should be in the Bible.
For example, same-sex marriage. While I’m in full, 100% support of this, most of my Christian friends are not, and they have warned me not to twist the Bible to fit “my agenda.” But that’s not the history of the Church. If they want to stick to their guns about same-sex marriage, then they need to recant their recanting of slavery and segregation. The Church infamously used scripture to justify three of the most horrible events of American history (slavery, segregation, and the treatment of American Indians), but they don’t today. What happened? Did they change scripture to fit their agenda or was Scripture, or how they read it, wrong?
I do think most of Scripture has had human bias involved, either in the writing or understanding. I know some Christians use the Bible to help navigate 21st-century concerns, but I have to go beyond that to understand current events and policies. For example, abortion isn’t prohibited in the Bible and Jesus never speaks of it. In fact, Christians usually use the Old Testament to justify their anti-abortion stance, though Jews don’t think fetuses have souls, thus, abortion is legal. The same thing happened with divorce and other social issues.
Very few verses of scripture seem divine and above human interpretation. Here are two, first:
He has told you, mortal one, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God? — Micah 6:8
And the second one:
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. — Matthew 22:36–39
Between the myth of Genesis and the political history of Jesus’s biography, I think it’s best to first use science, study history, and promote equality as my trinity of belief. Part of Christianity today is becoming what is called, Republican Jesus, and followers of RJ don’t seem to values these attributes and don’t seem to care for Micah or Matthew.
I’m wandering toward agnosticism again. Between my split with evangelical beliefs, squaring my understanding of history and the Bible, and being a father to my two daughters, I have to again question what others believe.
Though I don’t listen to Dennis Prager anymore, I need to credit him with this idea: he wondered why agnostics lived like atheists. If they truly don’t know, why not attend church instead of not attending?
I feel like I’m back to pre-married agnosticism. I’ve come full circle, with the little stem of the 6, meaning I still listen to sermons, study the Bible, and I belong to a Men’s Bible Study. I just don’t know about an afterlife, I don’t think prayer is useful for personal matters, nor do I see the importance of officially attending a church. I can’t think of any important decision I need to make where I should consult the Bible. Other than, loving God, loving my neighbor, walking humbly, loving kindness, and doing justice.
I love those who are 100% convinced of the Bible’s inerrancy and their Church. I love those who question religion and dogma. I love that it’s easy to find a community to help navigate these messy waters.
I’m not sure if my current path will push me toward being a believer again, but it feels better trying than not trying.
