Chop Wood, Carry Water: The Come-Down
Time to next tournament (Evanston Chess May 2018 Tri-Level): 28 days.
It’s been nearly a week since my first tournament and I’ve noticed something peculiar:
I suck at this.
Which is to say, my form has taken a dive. I’ve struggled in casual games this week, both OTB and online. I can’t beat Stockfish even on Level 1. My Blitz record this week has been atrocious. And in a recent correspondence game with Benjamin, I straight-up hung a rook on Move 7. Just served it up on a plate for him.
I haven’t forgotten how to play, obviously. But I do feel like my “chess vision” is a little foggy lately. I’m not sure what it is. I think it’s probably a mentality issue, but I don’t know if it’s a lack of focus or if it’s more emotional.
I realized after the tournament last weekend that, while I was happy I met my realistic goals, I felt like I should’ve done a little better. I earned 2.5 points out of 5, and I feel like I should’ve gotten at least 3. Maybe even 3.5. Take one of the games I lost and change it to a draw or a win, and I would’ve been happy.
Sure, it gives me something to work towards. I always figured I’d have a bit of a mountain to climb. It’s just… a bit steeper than I thought it would be.
And so I suspect that my dip in form this week might be due to that. Impostor Syndrome rearing its ugly head once again. In fleeting moments I feel like I was exposed in the tournament. Like I always secretly knew I couldn’t play, and now that I had to go up against actual competition I just couldn’t hang. Both games I won were against unrated players, my losses came against a 1000 and a 900. Obviously I’m just a pretender. A lowly patzer.
My jerkbrain can be a real jerk sometimes.
I think I might take the weekend off from chess (besides writing stuff for this blog). I’ve got soccer blogging to do on Saturday and then I think on Sunday I’m just going to read and listen to music. Maybe watch some baseball if I can find it on TV. Next week I’ll be able to get back to studying with a clear head.
I’m also trying to do new and wild stuff in the few correspondence games I’ve got going right now. I wrote an editorial this week about how a local soccer team should embrace the mantra “Let’s Get Weird” this season, and I figure I should take my own medicine.
In the meantime though, I’ve got my next event in sight. May 19th, Evanston Chess Club’s quarterly-ish Tri-Level. I’ll be competing in the U1200 section. There’s no prize fund but the entry fee is cheap (like $7) and it seems pretty low-impact. The only real bummer is I have to bring my own clock. So I’ve got to sort that out in the next few weeks. (I need one anyway, but this event imposes a sense of urgency.)
Just got to keep climbing that mountain.
